Man Up? S.O.S

I'm sitting here staring at a very official letter....it is notifying me that my "Playa-Playa' card has been permanently and irrevocably revoked! Sigh...Well...there goes my yearly invitation to the Players Ball....Damn, I have to take back that hot fuscia 3-piece suit with the matching gators......not sure what i'm going to do with that free time.

On a more serious note- i received several {and i do mean several} emails from men who thought i had sold out the single man and who felt like my last post was a uni-directional tirade against as one tongue'n'cheek reader put it "single man (curse his soul and meager existence on this world!".

So I feel like a brief clarification is in order because heaven knows that there is no group that i would hate to alienate more than the single man...and soon you'll hear why.

One of the comments/questions I received reads: "Upon further reflection and deeper contemplation I am left with but 1 (one) question; where does this leave the single woman??.....enlighten me on your views of his counterpart?" Fair enough.

The simple but stark difference between single man and single Woman is that the former is an underground society and the latter is a condition based on the former. When I make mention of ‘single man’ I'm not speaking about an individual or a personal choice- I'm talking about an institution- that's right, lets call it the Secret Order of Singlemen or S.O.S for short {and yes it is a distress call}.

Some of you {and you know who you are} don’t act surprised that I am outing this secret organization and I know that I do so under threat and security of my life. The truth must be told and I will suffer all consequences for my actions- you have to live for something or die for nothing!

This secret society has infiltrated every level of society and is threatening to gain greater levels of membership even as we speak. Their messages are everywhere. From music, billboards and television to books, politics and Hollywood. Their aim? Simple. To get what they want. And what do single men want? That’s right, everything just the way they want it, when they want it, how they want, where they want it and whoever they want it with.

Proof of this secret society. C’mon- that’s too easy. Lets look at popular music for instance- how many clever ways {and not so clever} can you reduce a relationship to a one-night stand or even shorter {bathroom in the club seems to be in fashion}? How many ridiculously crass situations can be explained in 3 minutes or less for the masses to absorb?

But where is my factual, clear hard evidence of this secret order? O.k. Fine,if you insist, but you have just signed my death certificate.

Here are 5 different quotes from the Top 10 songs out right this minute on the Billboard Top 40 ….enjoy and watch for the cleverly embedded messages…it takes a professional ear with years of training to decode these secret socieity messages but give it a try and see how you do.

1. good girls gone bad, the city's filled with them,Mommy took a bus trip and now she got her bust out,everybody ride her, just like a bus route,{Jay Z}

2. {Usher} I'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papersI done took all I can take but u leave me no options girlI can't deny how much I love you, I done gave up everything I had toAs hard as it is I'm afraid I gotta sayI'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papersI done took all I can take but u leave me no options girl…..All my fellas up in here, if u had enough and u're ready to sign sayReady Ready Ready Ready(I'm ready, yes I am)All my ladies if u sick and tired, and u're, ready to sign, sayReady Ready Ready Ready(ooh)I can't keep livin this life, I'm gonna leave it for the last time I'mReady Ready Ready Ready


3. This goes out to the beautiful girlsWhich one of yall, which one of yallWhich one of yall goin' home wit trigga[Verse 1: Trey Songz]Sittin at the club oo shawtyWalkin past a nigga lookin all naughtyThen I sad baby wassupReach for that hand shake got a hugBottles of H got me wit a lil buzzUp in VIP wit all my thugs niggasU leaned over and said u want meGirl when the vallet pull the benz upOff to the crip shawty where we gon end upGirl sit back relax hold upLet me turn the radio on[Chorus: Trey Songz]Girl let me get u to the crib (let me get u to the crib)Upstairs to the bed (upstairs to the bed)Girl you gonna think (x4)Girl when I pull back them sheetsAnd you climb on top of meGirl you gonna think (x4)You gonna think I invented sex {Trey Songz}


4. That's how I'm on it hatin I don't condone it
I don't want to keep your girl I just borrow her for a moment
I’m not attach to that you can have her back
But after this she probably don't want go back to lookin like I just got marry
Black white all races I just like em nasty
She's indian ok well I f*** her like an Apache

5. And Every Time I'm With This ChickWe F*(^ Like We In A RelationshipI Want To Stay Forever, But(Chorus)I Love Them Then Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them AgainThe Tina's And The Gina'sThe Lisa's And Teresa'sThe Keyshia's And Alishia'sI Love Them Then Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them AgainThe Judy's And The Suzy'sThe Stacy's And The Tracy'sThe Ana's And The Hannah'sI Love Them Then Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them AgainAgainAgainI Love Them And Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them


Ahhhh, sure poetry…but I digress.

Billboards Top 10 had only 1 female song represented Latoya’s Luckette song Regret…how appropriate. Lets see what she has to say:

Regret Lyrics You must regret the day that you left me(ohh yeah)You must regret the day that you left me.1st Verse:I made you coolYou wasnt that dude.


Hmmmm, curious coincidence or ? I think the point has been made.


Nothing like a good dose of relationship empowerment while riding in your car, right? And it’s also comforting to know what all of the S.O.S members of the future are listening to in their Ipods.

All married men were once single. All of us passed through our days of ME. However, unlike our solitary brethren we opted out of the secret society and plunged into a world that’s generally not as celebrated.

This is not to say that even once we leave the S.O.S that we don’t display tendencies of our former association. As you can see from the above musical examples the brainwash process is deep and thorough and often times requires dramatic, consistent and maybe even severe deprogramming methods to rid ourselves of the S.O.S training.

Ladies and gentlemen, therefore in my attempt to strike back against the empire, I offer you the top 6 signs that you may be dating a dedicated member of the SOS:

6. He listens to top 40 music…..and likes it!

5 You are over 30 ,have been dating for more than a year, and talks of marriage are scuttled by rousing coughing bouts or feigned sleeping fits.

4. All his friends are single- sure giveaway.

3. His mother tells you not to push him away with talks of serious commitment {as proof that this method works-she tells you that she never forced him to eat his vegetables either and look how he turned out}

2. He has a poster of Jack Nicholson and Wilt Chamberlin on his wall {not a basketball picture either but from the cover of his autobiography}.

1. He told you that his SOS tattoo means “Saving Our Sisters”

If you don’t hear from me by the time my next blog is due next week…assume the worst.

That’s what I think….in 1340 words or less……..

MAN UP?

I love women...as many of you may already know. I love watching them. the way they walk, talk, sleep, smell, look, taste, kiss, feel....ok...i think you get the point. I believe women to be truly God's gr8 gift to planet. If I told you that I completely understood them...well....that would be a fallacy, but having been married for well over a decade I have learned what I think are sacred lessons on women and love that I would like to share. 

I know that in today's multi-sensory world that it is in fashion to have everything in your life supersized and done in doubles if not more...{by one get 9 free….you and your two friends do me}. 

As this relates to male-female, I know right now that there are movements that exist that propagate the practice of polygamy {male has multiple partners}, polyandry {female has multiple partners}, polyamory {both people multiple partners}, polypoly {everybody has everybody else’s partners}, etc. Supesize you realtionships.

In fact, at an earlier point in my life i was a member of a religious organization that believed in and practiced polygamy {one man multiple partners} and although it seemed to work for a few -for the majority it was an absolute disaster. Being that I was too young at that time to marry even one wife, I could only fantasize of the day that I myself would be able to boast of more than one woman by my side {ahhhh, I call these my ‘young and dumb’ days}. But one of the many things that I did learn about relationships from my time with this organization is that most men believe that to be man is to always have as a goal-more than one woman. Men may never admit it or some may tattoo it on their balls but either way this is a common and shared belief by most men I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet {and I’ve spent considerable time on 3 continents}. 

My case for a new categorization of relationships again comes from my own personal experience. As I approach 40 I finally feel that I have a good grasp on who and what I am. Not only that, having been a witness along to the plethora of relationships that end up shipwrecked on the shores of broken dreams and promises has utterly convinced me that my category holds some valuable insights. See if you agree. 

I’m introducing the concept of a ‘Polyamourous Monogamist Man’ {PMM-known as a man who loves the many women that exist inside of his wife}. The PMM is a man who has discovered that within everywoman there are a plethora of goddess to behold and that it is his divine duty to find the key and unlock and free them all. 

Over the course of my marriage it is constantly being revealed to me that the woman I married 13 years ago is not the woman whom I’m now married to or the woman who I will die married to. Don’t get me wrong, I know that we all change with the passage of time and experience but that’s not what I’m making reference to. No, the experience of evolution that I’m referencing is a multiplicity of personalities that exist within my wife at any given point in time and my joyous fulfillment is directly related to my ability to delve deeper, explore and ultimately discover each and every one. 

Because men, lets have an honest chat, a great 21st century stage philosopher once so aptly put it-that after conquest after conquest you come to discover that we all ultimately end up with ‘ a regular ole’ saltine cracker’. That fantastically shaped woman at the gym- she’s at home cooking breakfast for you right now. That sexy woman at the office- she’s the one who rubbed your head and back last night when she was tired too. That temptress in the club with perfectly shaped half revealed buttocks- she’s the one who gave birth to and nurtured your children. She’s the same one. There’s only ever one. One. 

The depth of a woman’s love and her capacity to open up to loving you is beyond measure or at least any level that I have thus far reached. She will let you go deeper and deeper and she will unlock parts of you both -only if you commit to go deeper and agree to be unlocked. Herein was my quagmire. Men we are taught to fear this process. This is why when we are confronted with our divine image reflected back to us in a woman- often times we flinch. I did. Most men worth their Adams apple would ultimately have to admit to at one point in their development doing the same. Staring into an entity that you know instinctively that you cannot conquer and has no fathomable depths- we run. 

We run to the clubs. 
We run to streets.
We run to the games. 
We run to the prisons.
We run to the arms of other women.
We run. 

I distinctly remember times in my relationship when I looked into the eyes of my wife and was soothed and terrified at the same time. In most women, even after they’ve been injured there is still that ability not to flinch. They are ready and still willing to risk it…for love! It’s at these crucial moments when men decide whether they are going to dive in or run and hide- and if we are not sensitive to these moments we may not even know that we just made that decision…..and it will “just happen”. 

Now, run and hide seems like the logical choice in this day and age of alimony, palimony, acrimony, phonymony and forthemony {read: for-tho-money} but running has a bitter side that even amidst all of holloywood’s and the record industries attempts to glamorize the ‘smakkin it up, flip it down’, ‘don’t love dem hoes’, ‘can’t get a dolla out of me’ lifestyle- cannot cover up the stench of disemboweled disenfranchised man. 

What I’m about to say is going to offend many and anger more but at this point in my journey I believe it with every ounce of my being and have seen scientifically proven signs of it as I’ve witnessed men in my adult life. UNMARRIED MEN ARE THE BANE OF SOCIETY…period. Wait, before the stones of castigation are hurled against me or the cries of condemnation are made allow me to disentangle myself from that statement. 

Think about this- what purpose does a single man serve in society? I mean really. In traditional cultures around the world if you reached a certain age and did not commit to propagate and marry- the society made you live with the uncircumcised boys and were given the same rights as a 10 year old. 

Here’s my top 11 reasons why single men are not MAN:

1. Single men can’t be trusted- what do they have to lose but themselves? 
2. Single men have to really work at being single because at any point in time there is a overabundance of eligible women who are seeking permanent companionship. Single men are elusive. 
3. I cannot think of one single man who I’ve ever considered a hero….can you?
4. Even great icons such as Langston Hughes and James Baldwin who are personal heroes of mine were committed to another human being- in relationships- and they waxed lyrical on the beauty and necessity of commitment. Single men are sissies. 
5. Single men are vacuums of energies and resources- instead of looking where they can contribute…single men are looking at what to conquer and take. Single men are colonizers. 
6. Single men generally think that the world revolves around their penises- and have an orbit of condoms to prove it- hopefully. 
7. Single men don’t live with their children- nuff said. {if you are a single father you are not a single man in my definition}
8. Single men because they have no counter-balance energy are like a wheel that continues to go in the same circle, over and over and over again. Single men are redundant. 
9. A married man can never really hang out with a single man- because the single man has nothing to lose and usually behaves that way during ‘boys night out’. Single men are social misfits. 
10. Single men generally see the world in one way- “what’s in it for me?”. Single men are essentially selfish. 
11. Single men have made the choice to live in their fear…and nothing is scarier than an emotional coward. 

It is my belief {and I’m clear that it merely my belief and not the only truth} Man-hood is not primarily defined by a man’s ability to secure resources, lift heavier loads, protect his community or even lay fantastic pipe {imagine that}. In my definition manhood rest on the ability for man to re-connect and come into harmonious relations with that aspect of himself that God brought out of him- i.e. woman. 

Whether you subscribe to Christianity or not {and I don’t define myself as a “Christian”} , the story of Adam and Eve is insightful in the sense that it underscores the importance of male-female relationships. 

Eve was supposed to have come from the rib of man, which symbolically means that she came from the ‘inside’ of man. The innards. The depths. She didn’t come from any of mans extensions: like the finger, the toe, not the ear or the lip. Woman came from the RIB. The inside. The guts. The place where feelings are felt and the soul is housed. 

I believe what the authors of this passage where trying to convey through this insightful narrative is that a vital piece of man was purposely removed from him and he was thus rendered incomplete, unfinished, fragmented and forever destined to be deficient until he re-united with that essential piece of himself-Eve. 

Now, when God initially created Adam and defined him as MAN, he was in possession of all of his innards. God then proceeded to remove a vital piece from man to create a companion for whom he was then commanded to unite with in order to “be fruitful and multiply”. Re-uniting with woman is God’s very first commandment to Adam {MAN}: “be fruitful and multiply”. Without it- we as men are rendered “fruitless” and “single” both spiritually and materially {as above so below}. How then can males be MAN without going through this necessary divine process of reunification?

So to come full circle. The PMM man is one who understands that in order to live out God’s will in his life he must 1st be re-united with his sacred counterpart and 2nd understands that within everywoman there is every woman. 

After years of marriage there is the discovery that residing in my wife is every woman i could ever wish to desire.... in my wife are many many women. 

There’s the:
• ‘ stay-at-home’ woman, 
• the ‘ honey, are you ok? Come here and let me hold you for a moment’ woman, 
• there’s the the ‘not tonight or any other night if you come with that foolishness again’ woman
• the ‘I want to have your babies’ woman
• the if you only really knew just how kinky I am’ woman
• the ‘I’m scared and need your reassurance’ woman
• the ‘honey I’m so proud of you’ woman
• the ‘I’ve worked 9 ½ hours, went through nightmare traffic, put a meal together in the twilight of this morning can you please heat it up for yourself? ‘ woman
• the ‘no, you didn’t just say that to me’ woman
• the ‘I’m sorry I said that to you’ woman
• the ‘ I need to go out with my girls tonight don’t take it to heart’ woman
• the ‘ I need some Victoria Secrets to get my ass swag back’ woman
• the ‘ I’m not your mother and you should be happy about that’ woman
• the ‘ I love and honor you for being the provider, protector and maintainer’ woman
• the ‘since you don’t know class, you gets no ass’ woman
• the ‘ refuse to lay down with dogs cause I can’t stand fleas and I suggest you behave the same’ woman

THEY ARE ALL THERE AND MANY MORE. MANY MANY MORE.

In short, I refuse to give my commitment to any other woman until I have fully explored and exhausted the depths of the one that God has given to me……..and I have the instinctive feeling {in my gut…the place of feelings}….that this ocean is bottomless. 

At least that’s what I believe in 2000 words or less.