MAN UP! CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF SEX

WOW! Now that’s a title for you right?

In contemplating how exactly I wanted to explain the next step in our 8 step journey I was led to address a subject that I don’t think men speak honestly enough about even though science says that men think of it every 7 minutes. Sex! That’s right 7 minutes. Boom! I just thought of it as I was typing this sentence. 

This year, I will celebrate my 25-year of engaging in sexual activity- and when I use the term ‘celebrate,’ I am using it loosely. 

If you do the math that tells you that I began having sex at the tender age of 15. At the time I thought I was long overdue- but that was before I had a daughter who has reached the age of 12 and then I’m thinking “she’s still just a baby, and I was just 3 years older than her!”. Children have a magnificent way of putting your life into perspective. 

My first encounter was driven by peer pressure. No, I didn’t have a group of guys that were looking over my shoulder and pushing me to move out of virgin territory {pun intended}, but still the same, there was this ominous expectation that to be a real man was to have had sex. 

My Training
At the tender age of 13, I had been trained and had mastered the ancient African art of ‘ass watching’ by my best friend at the time. I particularly remember that our days were filled with nothing else but goggling and passing comments about each and every ass that passed by. Shapes, sizes, indents, curvature, hip placement, gaps, tone, movement, firmness, muscle- you name it…we watched it {ass so phat, we spotted it from the front}. 


I mean, up to this point, I had always been attracted to girls but more so as a whole concept, you know, cute, giggly, smell-good, rope-skipping members of the opposite sex. But now I had been introduced into the craft of objectifying them and this took long and careful study. I mastered it. 

In these years, I also distinctly remember developing my sexual seduction repertoire. This was my combination of words, tones, innuendos, body gestures and an assortment of other “weapons” that would go into my ‘mac daddy’ arsenal. So by the time I was 15, I felt like I was more than ready to enter the realm of manhood…..did I ever mention that I call these my young and dumb days? I have? Ok. Good. 

Yes, I was young, dumb and full of cunning and looking for the stray girl to fall away from the herd so that she could be devoured by my quest of perceived manhood. And she did. My first encounter wasn’t even with someone that I was even ‘dating’ at the time. Some poor girl as ignorant and needy as myself. Enough about me, I digress.

My Assessment
As I continue to explore and examine manhood from a more mature perspective I find myself reflecting back on my process and continue to uncover the source of the beliefs that I was and fed. I then assess the results that stemmed from my acting out of those beliefs and I marvel on how I ever made it this far. I also truly have a deep understanding and appreciation for why so many men have a difficult time inside of relationships. 

As I have said before, relationships are WORK and that’s without throwing into the fray the over-sexualized, objectified, narcissistic perception that most men feed on. Once that factor enters into the game- relationships are damn near impossible…..but I’m preaching to choir again, aren’t I?

As a youth I was spoon fed some of the most destructive ideas that you could ever put into a young boy’s head. And where did these come from? Well, for me, they came from Hollywood and music. Where else do young teenage boys turn to for societal guidance- but tv, movies and popular music?

Let me give you a brief sample of the movies and songs that were the source of education and inspiration during my teenage life:

MOVIES
Delirious by Eddy Murphy: Feel me on this one! My father and I never sat and watched tv with each other unless it was football- and even that was rare. 

However, when this concert came to HBO, I found myself in a room full of men and their teenage sons who had never been pulled together before or since, eagerly awaiting Mr.Murphy to drop his jewels into our wide-open domes. 

The excitement that surrounded the release of this comedy concert completely engulfed my community {has this been matched yet?} and we as children unabashedly soaked it up. .

In the two hours that would follow, I was introduced to the following relationship concepts:

• Forced Man on Man Homosexuality {the Mr.T rant} 
• Racial stereotypes of penis size
• Promiscuity as a natural behavior of MAN 
• How hard and fast men should “bang” a women
* How to lie to your woman and make her believe you
* Oral sex
• To fear women’s motives in relationships {the reason behind getting ignorant Umfufu from Africa}

Weeks after viewing this concert we were echoing the "funniest" cliche statements in the halls and lunchroom. I'm still not sure that most artist really know how much power the really do yield

Want to do an interesting exercise? Rent this movie but this time watch it from the perspective of a training manual for a young man’s camp- or better yet…view it as a responsible parent with a teenage daughter or son. Ha! The irony of LIFE! 

Now, without passing judgment on Eddie, he clearly being the comical genius that he is, was merely tapping into the cultural psyche of a society and laying it to bear with humor. However, as is true with any artist and his art, he seems to be living out his comedy of errors with 2 divorces {one marriage lasting all of a week}, a sexcapade with a transvestite and a basketball team of baby momma’s. Who’s laughing now?


MUSIC

Erotic City by Prince

When this song dropped it was played in more basement parties by teenage youth then any other song I can recall. 

For the record- Prince has to be one of the biggest paradoxes I have ever witnessed for our society. No artist that I can think of has entertained and at the same time totally contaminated the sexual consciousness of a generation on the level of Mr. Purple Rain {some may argue lil wayne but he doesn’t have his own movie!.....yet}. To me, Prince singlehandedly turned a generation of youth into straight ‘freaks’ of the highest calling. 

For those of you who are reading this that may be a bit older or younger let me just drop the lines of this most mesmerizing popular underground hit:

Every time I comb my hair, parts of you get in my eyes
You’re a sinner, I don’t care- I just want your creamy thighs.
If we cannot make babies, maybe we can make some time
F*** so pretty you and me Erotic City come alive
We’ll be F******** till the dawn, making love till cheery’s gone
Erotic city can’t you see..F*** so pretty you and me 
{dishonorable mention include: Whodini's- I'm a Ho} 

Ahhhh, poetry at its best. Now, again, I completely understand that Prince is merely a messenger for a society that seems completely committed to corrupting its youth. I mean, a fish is only as clean as the water in which it swims. 

The point is this: If we want better men we have to make them. A man, who is in the making, that is fed with the type of distorted ideas and concepts illustrated above is going to find it extremely difficult to attract, maintain and succeed in a harmonious relationship. It’s like wanting to bake chocolate chip cookies but your list of ingredients reads: two full cups of cow dung. Bon apetite. 

Most of what you have experienced in your failed relationships can easily be traced to extreme doses of popular culture, sexual myths and antiquated gender roles fed via parents, peers, tv, movies and music. Most of us have never really had an opportunity to have a relationship with the actual person- as we usually cannot tread through their/our-adopted garbage to get to the real person. 

Listen; there is nothing wrong with people. I believe inherently that people are good. People are great! People want to love and be loved in return- God’s creations, perfect in their imperfections. However, people fed with corrupt ideas about how and why they should relate with the opposite sex are a loaded gun of the worst sorts and most of us have delivered and tasted the hot lead of this wicked weapon. 

I see the popular education around women, sex and male roles that is rendered to Men in the following metaphor.

One of the ways that hunter’s in the arctic kill wolves is by placing a very sharp blade inside of the ice so that only the blade is protruding. Then the hunter places a small amount of blood on the blade as bait and waits for the wolf to come. The wolf smelling the blood comes quickly to the blade and begins to lick it ferociously and of course the harder he licks the blade the more he bleeds. The wolf thinks he’s having a fantastic meal as more and more of his own blood continues to flow. Ironically, the wolf never realizes perhaps until it’s too late that he has just devoured himself and he bleeds to death. 

Popular culture is the blade and we men are the wolf -dining on our own destruction and until we make the commitment to reject the popular ideas of what Manhood is- then we are doomed to be a destructive force in our homes and in our nations. 

We are in desperate need of new paradigms, because unlike the lone wolf who out of his ignorance and greed only destroys himself, we men, in our injury then go out and wreak havoc on the very entities that are the source of our healing- our Women. And when we destroy our women, we destroy our families…..and when we destroy our families we destroy our very own future. 

As I celebrate 25 years, I rejoice in my emancipating myself from these popular views. Trust me, I am very clear that a lot of people {especially men} view my writings as the musings of a guilty soul akin to that of Saint who was once the worse sinner and this may not be to far from the truth. 

However, be that as it may, I heard a wonderful quote about the truth that goes “ the Truth needs no crutches- if it limps, it’s a lie”. 

I’M READY TO RUN! 

At least that’s what I believe in 1800 words or less.

Man Up!

MAN UP! ALL THE SINGLE LADIES?!!

Huh?!!! Are you kidding me?!!!! Don't tell me that as we approach 2010 that there are still people that exist in the world that actually believe in casual sex. I mean, really? O.k. let me rephrase that- that in the year 2010 you can actually still witness ADULTS who are practicing this antiquated mode of relating as it exist in the practice of dating? 

It wasn't until I began to continue to hear this term "friends with benefits" {I was actually going to call this blog...enemy with benefits} that I saw how popularized this colloquialism is and how pervasive the reality behind the statement may actually be. If this is at all true this would represent a very unfortunate downward trend in relationships, especially for women who have the least to gain from this practice. 

Someone posted to my Facebook wall a news story link about how black women in America are finding themselves successful but single. So until “Mr.Right” shows up they see “friends with benefits” as a viable option to their dilemma. 

Now, first of all I don't buy into the hype that there is a shortage of good men for women to marry. I’m a major advocate for the Law of Attraction {my wife and I are writing a book on this} and I know that any woman that is really in harmony for a secure loving relationship will be provided with one- i subscribe to an abundant world- an “ask and you shall receive” world…not to a world of lack. 

Nonetheless, I do see a common thread between women engaging in casual sex and their complaints of not having suitable long term mates- see if you agree. 

Power POINT ONE- Refuse to Date
I once heard a quote given to a woman by her grandmother that said " men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free" in reference to this young woman having a "dating" relationship. I think it holds some insightful truths to how men tend to operate and how women ultimately end up out on a limb and in a lurch. 

Dating is at best a child's way to approach the world. You see, the ole folks of yesteryear {Great Grandma an nem…} had the institution called "courting" which is a different and distinct animal all together. However, during the “woman’s revolution” or somewhere around there, courting was unceremoniously replaced by dating and relationships in general and women in particular have suffered the more for it. 

The institution of courting is about commitment. Dating is about non-commitment. When you court someone it is with the intention that you will ultimately make an even higher level of commitment-and soon. 

Courting is a ritual that brings the man before the family of the woman and announces his character and intentions allowing for all intent to be viewed in the light of day. Dating happens in the dark, in the closets and is non-committal even by name {all dates must ultimately end}

Look at Wikipedia’s definition of dating: Dating is a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.

Now, check this out, ORIGINALLY two people who were already courting participated in dating but now it has been allowed to become, by women, an institution in and of itself. This is a gr8 example of how women give their power away, sometimes without even knowing they have done so. 

Wiki goes on to state “ Although dating etiquette has become more relaxed during the twentieth century, there are considerable differences between social and personal values”…… To say that dating etiquette has become more “relaxed” is a major understatement. Wiki doesn’t go on to say what these “differences” in social and personal values are but let me tell you what they boil down to- Men will only be as accountable to any given system as women demand that they be. Simple. 

Men, by nature and nurture, are not system oriented. We place a strong emphasis on our individuality and independence {often times to the expense of the whole} and will buck the system unless there are serious structures in place and straight forward consequences for violating the structures. Questions of power: Who’s responsible for “relaxing” these systems? Who suffers more from their “relaxation”? Yes, women have worked to do too!

As much as I loved my wife if she had not kept us focused on the actual marriage I could of conceivably continued to court her {we didn’t date} for quite sometime. Although I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her , the whole marriage ritual just seemed too daunting. Will Smith say’s as much about his highly touted relationship when he says"Families are like a business. The key is one person having a vision of what it needs to be and being able to pull everyone together. That's Jada for sure." 

Jada, the woman- I couldn’t of said it any better. 

So what am I saying in a nutshell? First, is that men will be men and it’s our natural inclination to blur boundaries, expand beyond and look for new frontiers. Secondly, this natural inclination on behalf of men is kept in check by the constructive, restrictive institutions that women put in place to curb and direct these inclinations for the betterment of the whole. Lastly, it’s “modern” woman’s abandonment of the courting institution at best and adoption of a male perspective at worst which is a major source of failure for relationships to blossom and thrive. 

Nowadays, you can readily find women bobbing their heads to Beyonce’s tune of Single Ladies “if you like you should of put a ring on it”. From ring tones, to web pages this anthem is popular! 

Please allow me to use this as a case example of of the schizophrenic nature of dating and it’s affects on women and relationships. Let us look at the song in detail so that you can see for yourself. 

The first & second verses say this :
Up in the club, just broke upI’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna tripCuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on meDon’t pay him any attention
cried my tears, after three good yearsYa can’t be mad at me

2nd Verse- 
I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
and we tated up in my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you thinkI need no permission, 
did I mentionDon’t pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turnBut now you gonna learn
What it really feels to miss me 


So from all indications up to this point in the song she was dumped or decided to leave the relationship and she’s in the club where her ex-boyfriend is also and she’s telling him don’t get mad because she’s doing “her own little thing”. Ok, fine. 

However, the true nature of her feelings betray her in the 3rd verse and accurately displays the contradictions in both form and practice of dating and the emotional hypocrisy that exist in the institution. 

What Beyonce really desires is here: 
your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Is a man that makes me and takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your armsSay I’m the one you want
If you don’t, you’ll be alone And like a ghost I’ll be gone

The point is this- if you like him then you should have made him put a ring on it!

Do you get what I’m driving at? The whole song, from its marketing to the title seem to suggest that this is some sort of single women’s anthem meant to empower those who can identify with her hurt and anger. 

However, what the song actually ends up revealing is her willingness and in fact wantingness , her deep desire to keep this man and have him deliver her from singledom . As men we must stand ready and willing to deliver our women and as women you must demand to be delivered. Dating encourages neither. 


So in conclusion, let me give you my Top 5 reasons why women should refuse to date and instead reinstitute the institution of courtship:

5. If allowed, most men will wallow in the ambiguity of non-commitment. Your resignation from or ambivalence to this practice is all the space he needs to ‘act a fool’. 

4. Women are not cars to be trial tested. Either he has a very high interest in purchasing the full package in which case he needs to speak to the dealership {her family} and find out what are the purchasing terms. Anything less is simply a “joy ride” . 

3. It’s extremely difficult if not almost impossible to get a man to commit fully after you start the process of dating him with open parameters. As a thing begins…so shall it end. 

2. Deep down all men want a woman who has the self-confidence and self-assuredness to demand her price {in relationship terms}. Failure to do so only cheapens your value in his mind although he would never tell you this. You’re a priceless diamond why settle for plastic terms? 

1. Without women re-instituting the practice of courtship it leaves us as a society more open to broken homes and broken hearts. We need for you to do this and only you can do it!

In conclusion, as we approach 2010- I would suggest to all those women and men who want have happy harmonious and balanced relationships to follow this simple 3-step process:

1. Step One- Before you start being open to the idea of having a relationship- write down exactly what the terms of that relationship should be. This will serve as a platform for discussion once the person whom you may want to pursue appears on the scene. 

2. Step Two- Once the person appears let them know that you are not interested in dating and would prefer to have a relationship that is actually going somewhere. This is a good time to show the person your “terms of engagement”. 

3. Step Three- Sign it! That’s right….this will chase away the fakers immediately and save you your precious time and energy. If possible sign it with a witness, a family member preferably. If not in the same state or country…..fax your people and their people a copy. 

I look forward to hearing your stories of success in the year 2010! 

At least that’s what I believe in 1836 words or less. 

MAN UP! 

Man UP! Do Work Pt. 1

2010 is Here and it all about the work! WORK, WORK, WORK AND MO’ WORK! Relationships are that is. Marriages too. All relationships whether it is family {siblings, parents, etc.} or spousal require a high and consistent amount of relationship maintenance. Whenever anyone asks me about how have I managed to have a relatively healthy and wonderful relationship there is only one simple and honest answer- work!

To be honest, my inner eyebrow becomes raised and I’m suspicious of those who remark to me that ‘I’m lucky to have such a great relationship’ and that they can ‘only hope to find someone as wonderful as my wife’ so that they can do the same. Ha! Now is that really so?

I am of the knowing that all men have the capacity to have and hold a loving relationship if they so desire {and that’s a big IF} but most men are to put it simply ‘psychologically lazy’ in this regard. 

Often times when it comes to abandoment issues in relaitonships whether it be emotional or physical men are the ones to swiftly scamper away from the real life ‘trials & tribulations’ that any and all relationships present and instead retreat to the recesses of relationship retardation {otherwise known as bars, Playstation, X-box or her-box}. 


Of course there is no better training ground for young men {and women} than to be a part of a healthy functional unit as they are growing up and formulating their responses to various stressors. This is exactly what makes divorce and dysfunctional homes so insidious- it encourages the perpetuation of separation through immolation. How can you do better than what you yourself were shown?

No movie, no video and no song can adequately describe the amount of effort that must be put in on a daily basis in order to sustain a healthy relationship. Sure, you can get the feel good in 3 or 4 minutes- you know, the “ooo baby I could never live without you’ or the ‘ I’ve waited a lifetime for your love’ type of stuff. But the real nit-an-grit, naaaaah, not gonna get it- not in a 4 minute song or video. 

Men need the real- and lets again have an honest chat- how many of us would have actually chosen to take that red pill of matrimony if we would have been granted the ability to foresee the future matrix that is our relationships?

Right here, I must openly admit that there were times in the early going that I truly questioned WHY I took that damn pill and it wouldn’t be until years later that I finally understood the whole matrix of matrimony and settled into the role of Neo {I know, forgive the Matrix references would you?}. I now know that I am the ONE- and that the relationship is only going to be as loving, understanding, peaceful and nurturing as I am at any given point in it. Men who claim the inability to find loving relationships are in actuality confessing their own lack of self-love, for when you love yourself in abundance the universe has no choice but to respond by providing you a love helpmate {this applies to women too}. 

Paradoxically, although women are the ones openly accused of being emotional basket cases- MEN are actually the real volatile romantics. Women generally have a healthier understanding of what’s going to have to go into making the relationship work and are not caught off guard by the hiccups that occur.

Most women know that the thing that truly desire is going to have to come at a cost and they generally are ready and willing to pay for it. Men on the other hand have a very skewed conception of this process and neither have a good idea of how much it going to cost them and even a less of an idea of how they are supposed to pay the bill for it. Work and mo‘ work.

Let me give you a personal example. When I first started 
courting my wife I was completely and utterly enamored by her- so much so that I never even conceptualized what we would ever disagree about on such a level that would cause me any distress. So after the first, lets say…..5 weeks, when we had our first disagreement I was completely thrown off- I mean completely and utterly DEVASTATED! how could this be happening? She was the one! My love, my amour, what’s wrong? 

In actuality, the disagreement we were having at the time was minor, so very minor. Today, I couldn’t tell you to save my life what the dispute was even about as I have since come to understand that these type of disagreements are a continual happening in healthy relationships! {I’ve also learned that at times you just have to shut the hell up }. 

My own belief system around disagreements in relationships was being informed by my upbringing were at the age of 6 I witnessed my parents arguing and fighting. It was the first and last time that I would ever have the opportunity to see my parents in disagreement as a married couple as this fight was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back for my mother- and she subsequently left my father never to walk down the aisle again. 

So, in my mind, arguments and disagreements equaled separation and divorce. Disputes with my newly beloved were an erroneous signal to me that the end was unavoidably near. Conversely, what was truly perplexing to me was the calmness in which my beloved would engage in and handle our trifling tiffs. So much so, that I began to suspect that she was purposely irking me to watch me go into my demonstrative tantrums as she sat calmly- which angered me all the more! It took some time for me to understand a couple of things. 

First, my wife’s parents are still married and so she is accustomed to watching two people contend with each and then move beyond that contention while remaining an in tact unit. This is why unlike her chicken-little mate, she knew that the sky was not falling and was thus able to remain calm in midst our little storms. Differences of opinion are natural and healthy. 

Secondly, since she fully expected these disagreements to occur and was not fazed in the least when they did she was able to remain loving throughout. She would reach over and touch me on the shoulder after one of our early squabbles and say in a soft and gentle tone “What’s the matter Sweetheart?” and she would actually be sincere! This really made my blood boil. Not only was she calm throughout the spat, she wasn’t holding on to any resentment or anger about having it in the first place. I was thoroughly outmaneuvered! 

These early discrepancies were extremely beneficial and informative for me in particular. I slowly gained an understanding that men are emotionally conditioned to simply play checkers……while our women are trained to play professional chess!- CheckMate!!!

Part 2 -Next week.......

Man UP! Do Work pt. 2

We as men get lost in the outer extremities of what relationships are truly about and need to be guided into the ‘inner workings’ of a relationship by experienced and wise older men. That is by men who have already paid their dues and have successful happy marriages. As young men it’s imperative that we have access to male roundtables where we can be taught the intricacies of interaction. 

In the days of yore, other noble knights who had taken up the cause of creating and maintaining relationships were the ones to instruct the young Jedi’s about the ‘dark side’ i.e. the real challenges of marriage. 

Nowadays these warriors of love are difficult to find as the establishment’s programming mote has taken its toll on the institution of marriage and weakened their numbers. This of course leaves the ‘young Luke’s’ of the world {no, not the one in Miami} to wallow on the death star of divorce and emotional disengagement. 

Conversely, since this essential assistance of men is missing, most men are then guided by our lower GPS if you will, and move into relationships with very unrealistic ideas of what to expect. This is how and why we end up hopelessly lost on the back-roads of our own emotions, stranded by the situations that real relationships bring. 

Ladies, in all fairness, as I mentioned earlier, men can only do as well as they have been shown- and you must ask yourself what have men been shown. What is passing for guidance in male circles these days is laughable…..literally. 

For instance, a man who is on his 3rd marriage penned the number one New York best selling book concerning relationships! {Steve Harvey’s Act like a woman, think like a man}. 

Listen, we all due respect to Mr.Harvey who I’m sure gives some valuable insights, I, myself am not to inclined to thumb through a book for relationship advice from a man who has pulled the parachute plug twice already. I mean, are you serious? That’s like following the workout schedule of the Clumps to lose weight. Physicians heal thyself! This is what passes for “GUIDANCE” for this generation of MAN. Has anyone told Steve that as you think- so you become....so the advice to think like a man is in my opinion the worse possible of solutions. But i digress.....

As men we are in awesome need of institutions that popularize and promote the idea of the WORK involved with relationships on the same level and with the same intensity as we popularize “poppin bottles” or “ getting our groove on”. 

So as part of my contribution to the eradication of male malfeasance in relationships I offer you my male tune up tip of the week: 

Male Tune up Tip of the Week

Seek to understand her BEFORE being understood by her. 
Borrowed from Steve Covey’s this single principle shifted the course and quality of my relationship tremendouslyand let me tell you how.

We as Men like to make our points in discussions. We are obsessed with whole idea of points {making points, scoring points, getting to the point, etc} it’s are way of keeping score. However, as men we may have a tendency to run roughshod over the obvious, which is women want to FEEL heard. Women want us to empathize with their point of view whether we agree with it or not and until you have adequately demonstrated your empathy will you yourself will not have a listening audience. Understood?

Men try this during your next spat with guaranteed results {money back guaranteed!}: You and your beloved are in a disagreement over a subject, once you recognize that you two are coming from opposite sides of the issue IMMEDIATELY CEASE and DESIST from trying to make your point. 

However, remain fully engage in the conversation but merely as a listener. Listen, actively. After your mate has landed on her point- REPEAT- what you think she has said to you back to her and ask her if that is actually what she is saying to you. It will sound a bit like this “ so what you’re saying sweetheart is that I’m an insensitive idiot who behaves like he would rat her spend more time with his friends at the bar than with you and the family at the house- is that about right?”

Once she acknowledges that you have indeed been listening {this is the reason for repeating back to her what she has just said to you} which is going to raise your score {remember points?} THEN you are going to ask the most important question of the day- “how does this make you feel?”. And what you going to do now? That’s right- more active listening. Chris Rock wasn’t too far off when he joked that women don’t really want you talk-talk, they really want you to listen-listen {is he still married?}. 

Now that you’ve heard how she FEELS about the issue you are going to do what? Your absolutely correct- you are going to repeat back to her what she just told you about how she feels. I cannot overstate how important this step is. You have reached the feeling phase of the conversation, which is where the heart of the matter rests. Be Alert. 

After you repeat back to her what she has just said about her feelings you are going to become a genius by asking her this question. Did I get that right? And maybe for the first time in the conversation {or even in the year} she is going to say “ Yes, that’s what I’m saying” or even better “yes, that’s right”. You may not know it or feel it at this point but you have really won major points and have just done the most important thing to do in relationships- establish repoire. 

At this point you are going to realize one of two possibilities:
1- Youactually agree on the issue but have different feelings about the point of discussion which is perfectly acceptable, healthy and normal. 

2- you do actually disagree on the issue BUT now you have understood and EMPAHTHIZED with her feelings which makes you a friend in her eyes and she is now open to hearing your opinion on the matter. 

Ok. So in summary here are the steps to your next conversation:

Step One- recognize that you are in disagreement {this is the easy part}

Step Two- Stop seeking to make your point 

Step Three- Listen, actively {please don’t make me explain this principle}

Step Four- Seek to understand what she is REALLY saying {hint: look for the feeling code words}

STEP FIVE- REPEAT WHAT YOU’VE HEARD AND ASK IF IT’S CORRECT

Step Six- Begin your turn of speaking by explaining your understanding of what she has just said….i.e “ I understand what you are saying about xyz and I can see how you feel, think, opinion that particular perspective……The way I see it is…..”. 

This six-step process will dramatically improve not only the quality of your conversation but also the overall quality of your relationships. 

Ladies, it may not be a bad idea to print this process out and leave it somewhere where your intended target is likely to read it- get it in where you can. 

Ok, my wife is calling me……It’s time for me to go to WORK. 

This is simply what I believe in 2373 words or less… MAN UP! 

MAN UP! WOMAN REVEALED PT. 2

OK. Now to the two incidents that caused my world to be thrown into complete chaos. 

The first- I was out drinking with two males at the local watering hole last night and one of the men had just had a great argument with his wife of 10 + years. Now, this man is an African who has lived in the USA, well traveled and pretty well to do. Our other companion is an African-American man who is visiting here in Ghana for the first time and a great friend of the first- he’s single {I will resist getting to much into this at this time but feel free to read my other blogs for enlighment on this particular species}. 

Anyway, we are all chumming it up and the discussion is basically around how it seems to be the other married man's understanding that women were put on the planet to drive men crazy and that the single guy at the table actually has made the wiser choice in his estimation- no ball and chain. Of course I’ve heard this before…hell- I may have even said it before so this statement didn’t raise any alarms. His next statement however was going to do to me what the red pill did to Neo- yes- right down the rabbit hole. 

So then my married compatriot with the conviction of a saint looks over his wine glass and says to us “no matter how high a woman reaches- she will always lay underneath a man!....after all she is a woman”. I laughed. I laughed hard. What a foolhearty thing to say in a fit of anger- you know like calling your little brother a “dookie brain” because he snitched on you and got you in trouble {although giving credit to the children-they don’t actually believe that thier brain is made of dookie}. 

As I finished up my chuckle I looked up to see something extremely odd that flipped my script- he wasn’t kidding! He was as serious as a heart attack. To him, he just dropped some gospel truth on the congregation and my shock came with the realization that I have up to this point been an unwitting member of this church-God forgive me. 

The next statement that I make will of course cause a row {and you know how I really hate to do that} but it has been true in my experience- most men think this way in some way, shape or form . Fellas don't deny it- the gig is up and most women know this anyway. 

Most men are conditioned to think of women as a different species to be considered mysterious, unpredictable, emotional and not to be trusted. The religious stories that we receive don’t seem to aid much in rebutting these erroneous ideas and in fact may indeed be the source of most men's deep distrust of woman. 

I mean, according to King James, Eve was basically created as an afterthought. It seemed everything was pretty much done in creation and then after some time Adam got bored with the redundancy of paradise {this is clearly before the advent of organized sports and strip clubs} and God took pity on him and whipped him up some eternal entertainment- voila!- Woman. 

Anyway, back to our drink up. It was in that moment that I realized that I have been hearing this from men for years! I mean many years. But for some reason, this is the first time that I allowed myself to believe that THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVED what they were saying. Since i've been in Africa i've had several men tell me this...and up to this point i really hadn't taken it seriously. I just figured that someone caught a stone in his soup last night..chipped a tooth and was vexed when we met up.....How was I to know that this thought is as much as part of the male psyche as corn is to cob? 

I used to think men were just belittling women this way in moments of frustration in order to vent with the “fella’s” and build enough comradie for the cause that is marriage to give him the strength to man up and get back in the ball game with his head on straight. Guess what? That could not be further from the truth and the state of relationships and the contribution of the majority of men to the cause of that state bares this out. 

The majority of men, whether they have mentally articulated to themselves or not, actually believe that the problem in their relationships is caused by the fact that they are in relationships with the eternally damned….and that it’s really their goal to Tolerate this necessary evil until 'death do us part'. 

And lets be clear- what generally passes for " tolerate” in the mind of most men usually lies in- between the legs of a less demanding secondary lover who herself has allowed herself to be relegated to his own living breathing external “coping mechanism”. I’m trippin!

Of course, I had little faith that Mr.Single at the table was going to add any sanity to the madd circle, Mr.Single was bobbing his head and smiling to the sermon like the holy ghost had descended on our table....for a minute there i thought i was going to have to catch him in the aisle and fan him if he caught the spirit any harder.

After the marriage rant ran down, my two guest took their leave and there I was left alone at the bar to ponder on my new revelation. After my last sip of wine I sondered home to my wife with a poor puppy dog look on my face. As I collapsed on the bed I briefly mumbled my experience and the wide sweeping implications of my revelation. I fell asleep quickly- the thoughts were to many. 

Ahhhhh, fresh up in the morning yawning I headed to breakfast with friends as I had successfully placed last nights events firmly in the back of my mind. I got into a great conversation with a very intelligent and forward thinking teen age girl about relationships and her view on them. As she was completing her great soliloquy her six year old brother walks in the room and she immediately remembers something that he has recently told her. 

So she say’s “ marcus, tell Hasira what you told me a few days ago about when you get married”. This six year old boy gave us all a wily smile, took a deep breath and said the following: “ When I get married I want 20 children…10 boys, 10 girls- and when we go on vacation me and all of the boys are going to ride in business class and all the girls are going to ride in economy so I won’t have to beat or be bothered with the girls”. Did anybody else see that black cat? Damn Morpheous!

Now first of all I was amazed at how thought out his idea was for a six year old but what really took me a back was his confidence in relaying the story and to boot it was in front of his mother and sister. It was at that moment I had another AHA moment- As males, from a very early age we are inoculated with this idea that "woman" is something to be tolerated-at best, but she's hazardous by nature. 

However, this six year old showed me something else that's another jawbreaker:Women are the ones raising these boys and just like the mammie on the plantation of yesteryear women are actively participating in and indeed nurturing these beings that will ultimately oppress them. Just a second the room is spinning again! 

Far from being victim, women are raising their sons to pass on the torch of sexism. Ladies, you don't see it? Need some assitance? No problem. Here is a list to assist you:

5. Don't Sugarcoat it- Just as mom's make sure we get the strawberry robitusen- so to do mom's not tell us when our father's thoughts are garbage. The first time you hear your son saying something as foolish as this 6 year old- blast him! {no, i don't mean beat, i mean educate him thoroughly}. 

4. Your own thoughts-- that's right, I said it. Most women are unwiting transmiters of this mind numbing virus. Get yourself checked- I can assist with this!

3. Identification-As a woman, you should be able to point out the things that your young man should look for in a mate as he grows up. Even if your son is only in grade school, you can teach him the kinds of ladylike behavior that nice little girls should be displaying. But since you're the first woman that your son will ever have contact with, setting a ladylike example at home is imperative.

2. Be clear If you married an idiot, Ok, that's a bit harsh, I mean if you married a man who has not yet been reformed into a PMM you have work to do. As embarrassing as it may be for you to have your children see that you actually sleep in the same bed with someone who thinks like that....the Truth will set all of you free and allow you to properly combat "daddy" ideas until he can get help. 

1. Housework....Dang skippy! Let young boys SEE and FEEL how challenging house work can be. Let him walk 30 days in your moccasins. This has multiple benifits. Not only will he appreciate you and your work more but he will know what to look for when the time comes. . 

So this is far from being a “you go girl” blog. This is more of a “what are we doing here people” type of blog. It’s a “ men are REALLY trippin” type of blog…it’s a “I once was blind but now I see” type of blog. 

Men initiated an unjust system that has now been ingested and assimilated by the masses both male and female and now the most sacred of relationships are now facing unprecedented upheavals as the reality of the situation continues to reveal itself to the world. 

What is your role in this? Confess and be free!

I think I need a drink……but then again…that’s how this all started isn’t it?

At least that’s what I think in 2219 or less.

Man Up!

WOMAN REVEALED pt 1

As i write this blog- i do so in a state of crisis-. Really, I’m serious. No, really, i’m very serious about being in a state of crisis as i write this. I had two incidents within the course of 24 hours that have completely and totally rocked my world. Really.

How many of you have ever had the experience of having a particular idea or concept that you may have read , heard or watched on tv suddenly and without warning drop down on your dome like a ton of bricks?

I mean it’s been there all along but like that mole that you finally discover one fine morning on the back of your ear-you finally actually see it. It finally reveals itself to you. I never really thought that Aha moments actually existed. They do and I’ve had one, two to be exact.

I’m not sure what to explain first- what it is that i realized OR how I came to realize it. So rather than choose between the two let me explain the paradigm that I had been operating under that is now laying before shattered into a million pieces never to be reconstructed again.

I have come to realize that for the last 39 years of my life i have been the beneficiary of a world system imbalance. I have been the unwitting recipient of male privilege. It’s rampant, it’s pervasive and it’s as entrenched in the minds of the human popluation. This idea is seen as normal as the idea that the sky is up or that God has a penis. It’s a world phenomenon truism.

How could this have happened to me? I’ve read, understood and enjoyed bell hooks and other authors of her ilk who deliver passionate eloquent expression to the ideas of male privilege and how it must be shattered for us to have real relationships. But until now I realize that I never really SAW how this actually manifests in my life on a day-to-day basis.

Perhaps my senses have been made more acute due to the fact that I now have two daughters and have been married to a woman for over 12 years. Perhaps. Or maybe I just didn’t WANT to see it. Maybe the privilege apple was just too deliciously tempting for me not to bite and enjoy so I decided to close my eyes and let my societal programmed instincts do the rest.

Haaa!!! How ironic! As a black man I was socialized in the USA to be cognizant of the reality that whites had perpetrated a great injustice against people of my “race”. However, I never have been “schooled” by any of my “conscious” mentors on the con game that’s been run on “mankind” for as far back as the garden of Eden. Now, I realize that the issue of race is merely a subscript to a much larger more pervasive and more sinister plot- sexism.

Why do I say it’s more sinister? Because, everybody- whether they are black, white, red, yellow or brown may or may not have had the opportunity to experience racism but every human being has a woman somewhere in their family and if she's lived on this planet she has tasted the bitter pill of male institutions.

An example of this lies in the Black Panther Party . Here was a group who had assembled to fight the racial and class injustices in American society, however it never was able to extricate itself from nor did they ever even articulate the oppression of women {the promiscuity within the party is well documented}. Thus, this group, while being able to preach racial and class justice was able to simultaneously run the Panther P***Y program that prostituted the female members of the party without any compunction {for a more in-depth analysis of this phenomenon read Elaine Brown’s Taste of Power which is her account of her time with the Black Panther Party}.

Now, my fellow males who think that I’ve gone off the ‘you-go-girl’ deep end consider this: Racism has been a humanitarian challenge for the past what- 600 years? That’s just a flash in the pan of history. How long has the established order or male dominance and male privilege been in existence? Anyone?

Who are we told misled Adam? Don’t get it twisted-you know the answer. This theme runs thru all of major traditions. Whether Eve existed or not is really irrelevant to this discussion- the quintessential question is -who is she to man in this story? What are the authors getting at? Who is she being edified as in these creation stories and what impact do these stories have on our relationships today? I mean, with help mates like Eve who needs enemies? And since we’re on the subject- weren’t all these stories written by men? Why is that? What is the justification for the majority of the world’s population following laws, secular or religious, that have been dictated by men? I mean, have men as a species shown a positive propensity towards administering the planet? I mean, shouldn’t this assault our democratic sensibilities?

You see how far this thing has me twisted up? I mean, my feminine/sensitive side panties are all in a bunch- and it’s going to take more than a quart of haagen-dazs and my O magazine to undue them!

Top 5 benifits of male privilege:

5. Father, Son, Holy Ghost....what's the real value of women if they can't even make it into the trinity?

4. How else can you get 86% of the images on the world wide web to be pornographic?

3. Who else could we blame the damnation of humanity on....a snake?

2. Otherwise we would actually have to actually compete with women on an intellectual basis...and lets be honest....how many of us believe that we can out argue a woman?

1. You get the big piece of chicken!

I will reveal what led to this cataclysmic shift in Part Two

MAN UP! The Empire Strikes Back

What I have found interestingly curious over the course of my last two blogs are the responses from men who essentially say “well that’s great that you have found the ONE, but hey- give us guys a break who have yet to find our queens”. Permit me a moment to address this valid rebuttal on part of my single brethren. 

First, as it pertains to single men’s perspectives about my scrutiny, I would have to state for the record that I too have had my share of ‘less-than-ideal’ relationships. My wife was not my first girlfriend or lover. 

My ex’s can easily give you stories of betrayal, insolent dialogue and a blatant disregard for the relationship- to be frank- drama was simply the norm for me. I’m a pretty passionate person so when the relationship is good-it’s very good but when it sours…hey, get ready because it’s about to rain lemons. 

But single man you would have missed my point if you believe anything other than this: YOU ATTRACT TO YOU WHAT YOU ARE EMITTING OUT. PERIOD. So, if it seems that you have been hit by a string full of miserable women who made your life living hell….guess what? That’s right, I’m sure they have the same to say about you -Mr.Miserable. 

Not only that, this perspective miraculously reveals that the onus of the burden of your singleness rest on your inner world which is pulling these relationships and women to you. Why are you doing that single man?

Single men have a hard time looking in the mirror, which is the divine role that women serve in our lives. Single men instinctively search for the source of their problems outside of themselves, often times blaming their lack of commitment on their being a shortage of suitable partners. 

I have a hard time keeping a straight face when single men tell me that I’m "lucky" to have found “one of the few good women left”. Haaa! I may be blessed….but I’m not lucky. I attracted to me that which I was actively seeking and it took WORK. That’s like telling a world-class body builder that he’s “lucky” to have muscles OR the Wright brothers were lucky to have a plane. It belittles the serious work involved. 

Just so that single man doesn’t think that I am unfairly castigating him, I will put myself on the operating table and allow the analytical surgical tool of PMM {Polyamourous Monogamous Male} to open up my own innards to be examined. After all one should be able to taste the medicine he prescribes right? 

When I reflect on my own patterns of dating let me explain to you what I found out about myself. I first started seriously when I was about 15 or 16. There were of course certain types of women that even at that age that I was attracted to, however, the most common characteristic amongst them all was that- none of them, and I do mean none of them- had close and loving relationships with their fathers. None. 

I was attracted to women who didn’t have close relationships with their fathers. The reasons are actually quite simple- girls/women who had absence or misaligned relationships with their fathers were more likely to have sex with me quicker. There I said it- let the chips fall were they may. I mean really, should this be surprising? What else is more important to an American teenage boy then scoring and scoring quickly, except a song and a movie that glamorize it to the extreme? 


Although the pursuit of sex may be an oversimplification of my drives what I want to get across is that I got away with murder with girls who didn’t have congruent relationships with their fathers. It doesn’t take a serial dater long to discover the traits of easy pray. I list some of them for you here:

Top 5 reasons I dated a girl/woman with weak or absent father relations:

5. She’s more likely to have sex earlier in the courting phase {this is key because if she waited she would soon find out exactly how shallow my drives to date her really were and nothing makes a coward run faster than the threat of exposure}

4. She’s unfamiliar with what true manhood looks like thus she is willing to tolerate a lot more foolishness and single men are inherently foolish. 

3. She’s more insecure- having felt the real or perceived rejection of her father these women have daddy issues that leave them vulnerable to exploitation. 

2. She has a deep desperation to fill the male void and thus she may leap before she looks. The phenomenon of seeking out the weakest of the pack is akin to what lions do when stalking their pray. 

1. She hasn’t had anyone to school her on all of the games that young boys run on young girls AND doesn’t have a baritone voice holding a high caliber weapon to deter unseemly behavior on the part of young foolish boys. 

Women instinctively measure men up according to their relationship with their fathers. If their father was absent, physically or emotionally, that left me with very little, if not zero, to measure up to. Whew….that was great for me because my aims and intentions didn’t measure up to much….perfect fit- or so I thought. 

When I was finally ready to be serious it wasn’t because by some grand wave of the magnanimous wand that I realized that I was hurting others- I could only wish that I was that circumspect at the time. No, the reason why I was driven to make a profound change in the way that I saw women and my relationship to women was based on me continually feeling unfulfilled in the choices I was making. It was my own pain that really drove me to change- not the pain that I had been inflicting on others. Like I said…single men are selfish but not unredeemable.

But back to the major point: the relationships that you have in your life are mere reflections of what you really believe, think and act towards yourself. Nothing more-nothing less. . The most effective way to attract that person into your life that you say you really want is to become that person. 

Some of you are asking for a mate who is kind and understanding but you yourself have a temper of rattlesnake in heat. Some of you are bemoaning not having someone who loves you for the way you are- yet you spend 15 minutes every morning in the mirror and the better part of you day making mental comments about how fat, short, pale, dark, stupid or saggy you are. As one of the great men of our times once stated “be the change you wish to see in the world”. 

Finally, Single man- there is a plethora of fantastic women out there. The world is full of them- trust me they are out there. The question is are you going to re-align yourself and do the WORK necessary to make YOU ready and receptive for a meaningful relationship? Or are you saying there’s a lack of good women to cover up for your lack of commitment to changing what hasn't and will never work for you? Just keep it real. 

Man Up!- At least that’s what I think in 1239 words or less. 
Next Blog: Women and their fatal mistakes in finding MAN