Huh?!!! Are you kidding me?!!!! Don't tell me that as we approach 2010 that there are still people that exist in the world that actually believe in casual sex. I mean, really? O.k. let me rephrase that- that in the year 2010 you can actually still witness ADULTS who are practicing this antiquated mode of relating as it exist in the practice of dating?
It wasn't until I began to continue to hear this term "friends with benefits" {I was actually going to call this blog...enemy with benefits} that I saw how popularized this colloquialism is and how pervasive the reality behind the statement may actually be. If this is at all true this would represent a very unfortunate downward trend in relationships, especially for women who have the least to gain from this practice.
Someone posted to my Facebook wall a news story link about how black women in America are finding themselves successful but single. So until “Mr.Right” shows up they see “friends with benefits” as a viable option to their dilemma.
Now, first of all I don't buy into the hype that there is a shortage of good men for women to marry. I’m a major advocate for the Law of Attraction {my wife and I are writing a book on this} and I know that any woman that is really in harmony for a secure loving relationship will be provided with one- i subscribe to an abundant world- an “ask and you shall receive” world…not to a world of lack.
Nonetheless, I do see a common thread between women engaging in casual sex and their complaints of not having suitable long term mates- see if you agree.
Power POINT ONE- Refuse to Date
I once heard a quote given to a woman by her grandmother that said " men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free" in reference to this young woman having a "dating" relationship. I think it holds some insightful truths to how men tend to operate and how women ultimately end up out on a limb and in a lurch.
Dating is at best a child's way to approach the world. You see, the ole folks of yesteryear {Great Grandma an nem…} had the institution called "courting" which is a different and distinct animal all together. However, during the “woman’s revolution” or somewhere around there, courting was unceremoniously replaced by dating and relationships in general and women in particular have suffered the more for it.
The institution of courting is about commitment. Dating is about non-commitment. When you court someone it is with the intention that you will ultimately make an even higher level of commitment-and soon.
Courting is a ritual that brings the man before the family of the woman and announces his character and intentions allowing for all intent to be viewed in the light of day. Dating happens in the dark, in the closets and is non-committal even by name {all dates must ultimately end}
Look at Wikipedia’s definition of dating: Dating is a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.
Now, check this out, ORIGINALLY two people who were already courting participated in dating but now it has been allowed to become, by women, an institution in and of itself. This is a gr8 example of how women give their power away, sometimes without even knowing they have done so.
Wiki goes on to state “ Although dating etiquette has become more relaxed during the twentieth century, there are considerable differences between social and personal values”…… To say that dating etiquette has become more “relaxed” is a major understatement. Wiki doesn’t go on to say what these “differences” in social and personal values are but let me tell you what they boil down to- Men will only be as accountable to any given system as women demand that they be. Simple.
Men, by nature and nurture, are not system oriented. We place a strong emphasis on our individuality and independence {often times to the expense of the whole} and will buck the system unless there are serious structures in place and straight forward consequences for violating the structures. Questions of power: Who’s responsible for “relaxing” these systems? Who suffers more from their “relaxation”? Yes, women have worked to do too!
As much as I loved my wife if she had not kept us focused on the actual marriage I could of conceivably continued to court her {we didn’t date} for quite sometime. Although I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her , the whole marriage ritual just seemed too daunting. Will Smith say’s as much about his highly touted relationship when he says"Families are like a business. The key is one person having a vision of what it needs to be and being able to pull everyone together. That's Jada for sure."
Jada, the woman- I couldn’t of said it any better.
So what am I saying in a nutshell? First, is that men will be men and it’s our natural inclination to blur boundaries, expand beyond and look for new frontiers. Secondly, this natural inclination on behalf of men is kept in check by the constructive, restrictive institutions that women put in place to curb and direct these inclinations for the betterment of the whole. Lastly, it’s “modern” woman’s abandonment of the courting institution at best and adoption of a male perspective at worst which is a major source of failure for relationships to blossom and thrive.
Nowadays, you can readily find women bobbing their heads to Beyonce’s tune of Single Ladies “if you like you should of put a ring on it”. From ring tones, to web pages this anthem is popular!
Please allow me to use this as a case example of of the schizophrenic nature of dating and it’s affects on women and relationships. Let us look at the song in detail so that you can see for yourself.
The first & second verses say this :
Up in the club, just broke upI’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna tripCuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on meDon’t pay him any attention
cried my tears, after three good yearsYa can’t be mad at me
2nd Verse-
I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
and we tated up in my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you thinkI need no permission,
did I mentionDon’t pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turnBut now you gonna learn
What it really feels to miss me
So from all indications up to this point in the song she was dumped or decided to leave the relationship and she’s in the club where her ex-boyfriend is also and she’s telling him don’t get mad because she’s doing “her own little thing”. Ok, fine.
However, the true nature of her feelings betray her in the 3rd verse and accurately displays the contradictions in both form and practice of dating and the emotional hypocrisy that exist in the institution.
What Beyonce really desires is here:
your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Is a man that makes me and takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your armsSay I’m the one you want
If you don’t, you’ll be alone And like a ghost I’ll be gone
The point is this- if you like him then you should have made him put a ring on it!
Do you get what I’m driving at? The whole song, from its marketing to the title seem to suggest that this is some sort of single women’s anthem meant to empower those who can identify with her hurt and anger.
However, what the song actually ends up revealing is her willingness and in fact wantingness , her deep desire to keep this man and have him deliver her from singledom . As men we must stand ready and willing to deliver our women and as women you must demand to be delivered. Dating encourages neither.
So in conclusion, let me give you my Top 5 reasons why women should refuse to date and instead reinstitute the institution of courtship:
5. If allowed, most men will wallow in the ambiguity of non-commitment. Your resignation from or ambivalence to this practice is all the space he needs to ‘act a fool’.
4. Women are not cars to be trial tested. Either he has a very high interest in purchasing the full package in which case he needs to speak to the dealership {her family} and find out what are the purchasing terms. Anything less is simply a “joy ride” .
3. It’s extremely difficult if not almost impossible to get a man to commit fully after you start the process of dating him with open parameters. As a thing begins…so shall it end.
2. Deep down all men want a woman who has the self-confidence and self-assuredness to demand her price {in relationship terms}. Failure to do so only cheapens your value in his mind although he would never tell you this. You’re a priceless diamond why settle for plastic terms?
1. Without women re-instituting the practice of courtship it leaves us as a society more open to broken homes and broken hearts. We need for you to do this and only you can do it!
In conclusion, as we approach 2010- I would suggest to all those women and men who want have happy harmonious and balanced relationships to follow this simple 3-step process:
1. Step One- Before you start being open to the idea of having a relationship- write down exactly what the terms of that relationship should be. This will serve as a platform for discussion once the person whom you may want to pursue appears on the scene.
2. Step Two- Once the person appears let them know that you are not interested in dating and would prefer to have a relationship that is actually going somewhere. This is a good time to show the person your “terms of engagement”.
3. Step Three- Sign it! That’s right….this will chase away the fakers immediately and save you your precious time and energy. If possible sign it with a witness, a family member preferably. If not in the same state or country…..fax your people and their people a copy.
I look forward to hearing your stories of success in the year 2010!
At least that’s what I believe in 1836 words or less.
MAN UP!
It wasn't until I began to continue to hear this term "friends with benefits" {I was actually going to call this blog...enemy with benefits} that I saw how popularized this colloquialism is and how pervasive the reality behind the statement may actually be. If this is at all true this would represent a very unfortunate downward trend in relationships, especially for women who have the least to gain from this practice.
Someone posted to my Facebook wall a news story link about how black women in America are finding themselves successful but single. So until “Mr.Right” shows up they see “friends with benefits” as a viable option to their dilemma.
Now, first of all I don't buy into the hype that there is a shortage of good men for women to marry. I’m a major advocate for the Law of Attraction {my wife and I are writing a book on this} and I know that any woman that is really in harmony for a secure loving relationship will be provided with one- i subscribe to an abundant world- an “ask and you shall receive” world…not to a world of lack.
Nonetheless, I do see a common thread between women engaging in casual sex and their complaints of not having suitable long term mates- see if you agree.
Power POINT ONE- Refuse to Date
I once heard a quote given to a woman by her grandmother that said " men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free" in reference to this young woman having a "dating" relationship. I think it holds some insightful truths to how men tend to operate and how women ultimately end up out on a limb and in a lurch.
Dating is at best a child's way to approach the world. You see, the ole folks of yesteryear {Great Grandma an nem…} had the institution called "courting" which is a different and distinct animal all together. However, during the “woman’s revolution” or somewhere around there, courting was unceremoniously replaced by dating and relationships in general and women in particular have suffered the more for it.
The institution of courting is about commitment. Dating is about non-commitment. When you court someone it is with the intention that you will ultimately make an even higher level of commitment-and soon.
Courting is a ritual that brings the man before the family of the woman and announces his character and intentions allowing for all intent to be viewed in the light of day. Dating happens in the dark, in the closets and is non-committal even by name {all dates must ultimately end}
Look at Wikipedia’s definition of dating: Dating is a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.
Now, check this out, ORIGINALLY two people who were already courting participated in dating but now it has been allowed to become, by women, an institution in and of itself. This is a gr8 example of how women give their power away, sometimes without even knowing they have done so.
Wiki goes on to state “ Although dating etiquette has become more relaxed during the twentieth century, there are considerable differences between social and personal values”…… To say that dating etiquette has become more “relaxed” is a major understatement. Wiki doesn’t go on to say what these “differences” in social and personal values are but let me tell you what they boil down to- Men will only be as accountable to any given system as women demand that they be. Simple.
Men, by nature and nurture, are not system oriented. We place a strong emphasis on our individuality and independence {often times to the expense of the whole} and will buck the system unless there are serious structures in place and straight forward consequences for violating the structures. Questions of power: Who’s responsible for “relaxing” these systems? Who suffers more from their “relaxation”? Yes, women have worked to do too!
As much as I loved my wife if she had not kept us focused on the actual marriage I could of conceivably continued to court her {we didn’t date} for quite sometime. Although I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her , the whole marriage ritual just seemed too daunting. Will Smith say’s as much about his highly touted relationship when he says"Families are like a business. The key is one person having a vision of what it needs to be and being able to pull everyone together. That's Jada for sure."
Jada, the woman- I couldn’t of said it any better.
So what am I saying in a nutshell? First, is that men will be men and it’s our natural inclination to blur boundaries, expand beyond and look for new frontiers. Secondly, this natural inclination on behalf of men is kept in check by the constructive, restrictive institutions that women put in place to curb and direct these inclinations for the betterment of the whole. Lastly, it’s “modern” woman’s abandonment of the courting institution at best and adoption of a male perspective at worst which is a major source of failure for relationships to blossom and thrive.
Nowadays, you can readily find women bobbing their heads to Beyonce’s tune of Single Ladies “if you like you should of put a ring on it”. From ring tones, to web pages this anthem is popular!
Please allow me to use this as a case example of of the schizophrenic nature of dating and it’s affects on women and relationships. Let us look at the song in detail so that you can see for yourself.
The first & second verses say this :
Up in the club, just broke upI’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna tripCuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on meDon’t pay him any attention
cried my tears, after three good yearsYa can’t be mad at me
2nd Verse-
I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
and we tated up in my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you thinkI need no permission,
did I mentionDon’t pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turnBut now you gonna learn
What it really feels to miss me
So from all indications up to this point in the song she was dumped or decided to leave the relationship and she’s in the club where her ex-boyfriend is also and she’s telling him don’t get mad because she’s doing “her own little thing”. Ok, fine.
However, the true nature of her feelings betray her in the 3rd verse and accurately displays the contradictions in both form and practice of dating and the emotional hypocrisy that exist in the institution.
What Beyonce really desires is here:
your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Is a man that makes me and takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your armsSay I’m the one you want
If you don’t, you’ll be alone And like a ghost I’ll be gone
The point is this- if you like him then you should have made him put a ring on it!
Do you get what I’m driving at? The whole song, from its marketing to the title seem to suggest that this is some sort of single women’s anthem meant to empower those who can identify with her hurt and anger.
However, what the song actually ends up revealing is her willingness and in fact wantingness , her deep desire to keep this man and have him deliver her from singledom . As men we must stand ready and willing to deliver our women and as women you must demand to be delivered. Dating encourages neither.
So in conclusion, let me give you my Top 5 reasons why women should refuse to date and instead reinstitute the institution of courtship:
5. If allowed, most men will wallow in the ambiguity of non-commitment. Your resignation from or ambivalence to this practice is all the space he needs to ‘act a fool’.
4. Women are not cars to be trial tested. Either he has a very high interest in purchasing the full package in which case he needs to speak to the dealership {her family} and find out what are the purchasing terms. Anything less is simply a “joy ride” .
3. It’s extremely difficult if not almost impossible to get a man to commit fully after you start the process of dating him with open parameters. As a thing begins…so shall it end.
2. Deep down all men want a woman who has the self-confidence and self-assuredness to demand her price {in relationship terms}. Failure to do so only cheapens your value in his mind although he would never tell you this. You’re a priceless diamond why settle for plastic terms?
1. Without women re-instituting the practice of courtship it leaves us as a society more open to broken homes and broken hearts. We need for you to do this and only you can do it!
In conclusion, as we approach 2010- I would suggest to all those women and men who want have happy harmonious and balanced relationships to follow this simple 3-step process:
1. Step One- Before you start being open to the idea of having a relationship- write down exactly what the terms of that relationship should be. This will serve as a platform for discussion once the person whom you may want to pursue appears on the scene.
2. Step Two- Once the person appears let them know that you are not interested in dating and would prefer to have a relationship that is actually going somewhere. This is a good time to show the person your “terms of engagement”.
3. Step Three- Sign it! That’s right….this will chase away the fakers immediately and save you your precious time and energy. If possible sign it with a witness, a family member preferably. If not in the same state or country…..fax your people and their people a copy.
I look forward to hearing your stories of success in the year 2010!
At least that’s what I believe in 1836 words or less.
MAN UP!
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