MAN UP! WOMAN REVEALED PT. 2

OK. Now to the two incidents that caused my world to be thrown into complete chaos. 

The first- I was out drinking with two males at the local watering hole last night and one of the men had just had a great argument with his wife of 10 + years. Now, this man is an African who has lived in the USA, well traveled and pretty well to do. Our other companion is an African-American man who is visiting here in Ghana for the first time and a great friend of the first- he’s single {I will resist getting to much into this at this time but feel free to read my other blogs for enlighment on this particular species}. 

Anyway, we are all chumming it up and the discussion is basically around how it seems to be the other married man's understanding that women were put on the planet to drive men crazy and that the single guy at the table actually has made the wiser choice in his estimation- no ball and chain. Of course I’ve heard this before…hell- I may have even said it before so this statement didn’t raise any alarms. His next statement however was going to do to me what the red pill did to Neo- yes- right down the rabbit hole. 

So then my married compatriot with the conviction of a saint looks over his wine glass and says to us “no matter how high a woman reaches- she will always lay underneath a man!....after all she is a woman”. I laughed. I laughed hard. What a foolhearty thing to say in a fit of anger- you know like calling your little brother a “dookie brain” because he snitched on you and got you in trouble {although giving credit to the children-they don’t actually believe that thier brain is made of dookie}. 

As I finished up my chuckle I looked up to see something extremely odd that flipped my script- he wasn’t kidding! He was as serious as a heart attack. To him, he just dropped some gospel truth on the congregation and my shock came with the realization that I have up to this point been an unwitting member of this church-God forgive me. 

The next statement that I make will of course cause a row {and you know how I really hate to do that} but it has been true in my experience- most men think this way in some way, shape or form . Fellas don't deny it- the gig is up and most women know this anyway. 

Most men are conditioned to think of women as a different species to be considered mysterious, unpredictable, emotional and not to be trusted. The religious stories that we receive don’t seem to aid much in rebutting these erroneous ideas and in fact may indeed be the source of most men's deep distrust of woman. 

I mean, according to King James, Eve was basically created as an afterthought. It seemed everything was pretty much done in creation and then after some time Adam got bored with the redundancy of paradise {this is clearly before the advent of organized sports and strip clubs} and God took pity on him and whipped him up some eternal entertainment- voila!- Woman. 

Anyway, back to our drink up. It was in that moment that I realized that I have been hearing this from men for years! I mean many years. But for some reason, this is the first time that I allowed myself to believe that THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVED what they were saying. Since i've been in Africa i've had several men tell me this...and up to this point i really hadn't taken it seriously. I just figured that someone caught a stone in his soup last night..chipped a tooth and was vexed when we met up.....How was I to know that this thought is as much as part of the male psyche as corn is to cob? 

I used to think men were just belittling women this way in moments of frustration in order to vent with the “fella’s” and build enough comradie for the cause that is marriage to give him the strength to man up and get back in the ball game with his head on straight. Guess what? That could not be further from the truth and the state of relationships and the contribution of the majority of men to the cause of that state bares this out. 

The majority of men, whether they have mentally articulated to themselves or not, actually believe that the problem in their relationships is caused by the fact that they are in relationships with the eternally damned….and that it’s really their goal to Tolerate this necessary evil until 'death do us part'. 

And lets be clear- what generally passes for " tolerate” in the mind of most men usually lies in- between the legs of a less demanding secondary lover who herself has allowed herself to be relegated to his own living breathing external “coping mechanism”. I’m trippin!

Of course, I had little faith that Mr.Single at the table was going to add any sanity to the madd circle, Mr.Single was bobbing his head and smiling to the sermon like the holy ghost had descended on our table....for a minute there i thought i was going to have to catch him in the aisle and fan him if he caught the spirit any harder.

After the marriage rant ran down, my two guest took their leave and there I was left alone at the bar to ponder on my new revelation. After my last sip of wine I sondered home to my wife with a poor puppy dog look on my face. As I collapsed on the bed I briefly mumbled my experience and the wide sweeping implications of my revelation. I fell asleep quickly- the thoughts were to many. 

Ahhhhh, fresh up in the morning yawning I headed to breakfast with friends as I had successfully placed last nights events firmly in the back of my mind. I got into a great conversation with a very intelligent and forward thinking teen age girl about relationships and her view on them. As she was completing her great soliloquy her six year old brother walks in the room and she immediately remembers something that he has recently told her. 

So she say’s “ marcus, tell Hasira what you told me a few days ago about when you get married”. This six year old boy gave us all a wily smile, took a deep breath and said the following: “ When I get married I want 20 children…10 boys, 10 girls- and when we go on vacation me and all of the boys are going to ride in business class and all the girls are going to ride in economy so I won’t have to beat or be bothered with the girls”. Did anybody else see that black cat? Damn Morpheous!

Now first of all I was amazed at how thought out his idea was for a six year old but what really took me a back was his confidence in relaying the story and to boot it was in front of his mother and sister. It was at that moment I had another AHA moment- As males, from a very early age we are inoculated with this idea that "woman" is something to be tolerated-at best, but she's hazardous by nature. 

However, this six year old showed me something else that's another jawbreaker:Women are the ones raising these boys and just like the mammie on the plantation of yesteryear women are actively participating in and indeed nurturing these beings that will ultimately oppress them. Just a second the room is spinning again! 

Far from being victim, women are raising their sons to pass on the torch of sexism. Ladies, you don't see it? Need some assitance? No problem. Here is a list to assist you:

5. Don't Sugarcoat it- Just as mom's make sure we get the strawberry robitusen- so to do mom's not tell us when our father's thoughts are garbage. The first time you hear your son saying something as foolish as this 6 year old- blast him! {no, i don't mean beat, i mean educate him thoroughly}. 

4. Your own thoughts-- that's right, I said it. Most women are unwiting transmiters of this mind numbing virus. Get yourself checked- I can assist with this!

3. Identification-As a woman, you should be able to point out the things that your young man should look for in a mate as he grows up. Even if your son is only in grade school, you can teach him the kinds of ladylike behavior that nice little girls should be displaying. But since you're the first woman that your son will ever have contact with, setting a ladylike example at home is imperative.

2. Be clear If you married an idiot, Ok, that's a bit harsh, I mean if you married a man who has not yet been reformed into a PMM you have work to do. As embarrassing as it may be for you to have your children see that you actually sleep in the same bed with someone who thinks like that....the Truth will set all of you free and allow you to properly combat "daddy" ideas until he can get help. 

1. Housework....Dang skippy! Let young boys SEE and FEEL how challenging house work can be. Let him walk 30 days in your moccasins. This has multiple benifits. Not only will he appreciate you and your work more but he will know what to look for when the time comes. . 

So this is far from being a “you go girl” blog. This is more of a “what are we doing here people” type of blog. It’s a “ men are REALLY trippin” type of blog…it’s a “I once was blind but now I see” type of blog. 

Men initiated an unjust system that has now been ingested and assimilated by the masses both male and female and now the most sacred of relationships are now facing unprecedented upheavals as the reality of the situation continues to reveal itself to the world. 

What is your role in this? Confess and be free!

I think I need a drink……but then again…that’s how this all started isn’t it?

At least that’s what I think in 2219 or less.

Man Up!

WOMAN REVEALED pt 1

As i write this blog- i do so in a state of crisis-. Really, I’m serious. No, really, i’m very serious about being in a state of crisis as i write this. I had two incidents within the course of 24 hours that have completely and totally rocked my world. Really.

How many of you have ever had the experience of having a particular idea or concept that you may have read , heard or watched on tv suddenly and without warning drop down on your dome like a ton of bricks?

I mean it’s been there all along but like that mole that you finally discover one fine morning on the back of your ear-you finally actually see it. It finally reveals itself to you. I never really thought that Aha moments actually existed. They do and I’ve had one, two to be exact.

I’m not sure what to explain first- what it is that i realized OR how I came to realize it. So rather than choose between the two let me explain the paradigm that I had been operating under that is now laying before shattered into a million pieces never to be reconstructed again.

I have come to realize that for the last 39 years of my life i have been the beneficiary of a world system imbalance. I have been the unwitting recipient of male privilege. It’s rampant, it’s pervasive and it’s as entrenched in the minds of the human popluation. This idea is seen as normal as the idea that the sky is up or that God has a penis. It’s a world phenomenon truism.

How could this have happened to me? I’ve read, understood and enjoyed bell hooks and other authors of her ilk who deliver passionate eloquent expression to the ideas of male privilege and how it must be shattered for us to have real relationships. But until now I realize that I never really SAW how this actually manifests in my life on a day-to-day basis.

Perhaps my senses have been made more acute due to the fact that I now have two daughters and have been married to a woman for over 12 years. Perhaps. Or maybe I just didn’t WANT to see it. Maybe the privilege apple was just too deliciously tempting for me not to bite and enjoy so I decided to close my eyes and let my societal programmed instincts do the rest.

Haaa!!! How ironic! As a black man I was socialized in the USA to be cognizant of the reality that whites had perpetrated a great injustice against people of my “race”. However, I never have been “schooled” by any of my “conscious” mentors on the con game that’s been run on “mankind” for as far back as the garden of Eden. Now, I realize that the issue of race is merely a subscript to a much larger more pervasive and more sinister plot- sexism.

Why do I say it’s more sinister? Because, everybody- whether they are black, white, red, yellow or brown may or may not have had the opportunity to experience racism but every human being has a woman somewhere in their family and if she's lived on this planet she has tasted the bitter pill of male institutions.

An example of this lies in the Black Panther Party . Here was a group who had assembled to fight the racial and class injustices in American society, however it never was able to extricate itself from nor did they ever even articulate the oppression of women {the promiscuity within the party is well documented}. Thus, this group, while being able to preach racial and class justice was able to simultaneously run the Panther P***Y program that prostituted the female members of the party without any compunction {for a more in-depth analysis of this phenomenon read Elaine Brown’s Taste of Power which is her account of her time with the Black Panther Party}.

Now, my fellow males who think that I’ve gone off the ‘you-go-girl’ deep end consider this: Racism has been a humanitarian challenge for the past what- 600 years? That’s just a flash in the pan of history. How long has the established order or male dominance and male privilege been in existence? Anyone?

Who are we told misled Adam? Don’t get it twisted-you know the answer. This theme runs thru all of major traditions. Whether Eve existed or not is really irrelevant to this discussion- the quintessential question is -who is she to man in this story? What are the authors getting at? Who is she being edified as in these creation stories and what impact do these stories have on our relationships today? I mean, with help mates like Eve who needs enemies? And since we’re on the subject- weren’t all these stories written by men? Why is that? What is the justification for the majority of the world’s population following laws, secular or religious, that have been dictated by men? I mean, have men as a species shown a positive propensity towards administering the planet? I mean, shouldn’t this assault our democratic sensibilities?

You see how far this thing has me twisted up? I mean, my feminine/sensitive side panties are all in a bunch- and it’s going to take more than a quart of haagen-dazs and my O magazine to undue them!

Top 5 benifits of male privilege:

5. Father, Son, Holy Ghost....what's the real value of women if they can't even make it into the trinity?

4. How else can you get 86% of the images on the world wide web to be pornographic?

3. Who else could we blame the damnation of humanity on....a snake?

2. Otherwise we would actually have to actually compete with women on an intellectual basis...and lets be honest....how many of us believe that we can out argue a woman?

1. You get the big piece of chicken!

I will reveal what led to this cataclysmic shift in Part Two

MAN UP! The Empire Strikes Back

What I have found interestingly curious over the course of my last two blogs are the responses from men who essentially say “well that’s great that you have found the ONE, but hey- give us guys a break who have yet to find our queens”. Permit me a moment to address this valid rebuttal on part of my single brethren. 

First, as it pertains to single men’s perspectives about my scrutiny, I would have to state for the record that I too have had my share of ‘less-than-ideal’ relationships. My wife was not my first girlfriend or lover. 

My ex’s can easily give you stories of betrayal, insolent dialogue and a blatant disregard for the relationship- to be frank- drama was simply the norm for me. I’m a pretty passionate person so when the relationship is good-it’s very good but when it sours…hey, get ready because it’s about to rain lemons. 

But single man you would have missed my point if you believe anything other than this: YOU ATTRACT TO YOU WHAT YOU ARE EMITTING OUT. PERIOD. So, if it seems that you have been hit by a string full of miserable women who made your life living hell….guess what? That’s right, I’m sure they have the same to say about you -Mr.Miserable. 

Not only that, this perspective miraculously reveals that the onus of the burden of your singleness rest on your inner world which is pulling these relationships and women to you. Why are you doing that single man?

Single men have a hard time looking in the mirror, which is the divine role that women serve in our lives. Single men instinctively search for the source of their problems outside of themselves, often times blaming their lack of commitment on their being a shortage of suitable partners. 

I have a hard time keeping a straight face when single men tell me that I’m "lucky" to have found “one of the few good women left”. Haaa! I may be blessed….but I’m not lucky. I attracted to me that which I was actively seeking and it took WORK. That’s like telling a world-class body builder that he’s “lucky” to have muscles OR the Wright brothers were lucky to have a plane. It belittles the serious work involved. 

Just so that single man doesn’t think that I am unfairly castigating him, I will put myself on the operating table and allow the analytical surgical tool of PMM {Polyamourous Monogamous Male} to open up my own innards to be examined. After all one should be able to taste the medicine he prescribes right? 

When I reflect on my own patterns of dating let me explain to you what I found out about myself. I first started seriously when I was about 15 or 16. There were of course certain types of women that even at that age that I was attracted to, however, the most common characteristic amongst them all was that- none of them, and I do mean none of them- had close and loving relationships with their fathers. None. 

I was attracted to women who didn’t have close relationships with their fathers. The reasons are actually quite simple- girls/women who had absence or misaligned relationships with their fathers were more likely to have sex with me quicker. There I said it- let the chips fall were they may. I mean really, should this be surprising? What else is more important to an American teenage boy then scoring and scoring quickly, except a song and a movie that glamorize it to the extreme? 


Although the pursuit of sex may be an oversimplification of my drives what I want to get across is that I got away with murder with girls who didn’t have congruent relationships with their fathers. It doesn’t take a serial dater long to discover the traits of easy pray. I list some of them for you here:

Top 5 reasons I dated a girl/woman with weak or absent father relations:

5. She’s more likely to have sex earlier in the courting phase {this is key because if she waited she would soon find out exactly how shallow my drives to date her really were and nothing makes a coward run faster than the threat of exposure}

4. She’s unfamiliar with what true manhood looks like thus she is willing to tolerate a lot more foolishness and single men are inherently foolish. 

3. She’s more insecure- having felt the real or perceived rejection of her father these women have daddy issues that leave them vulnerable to exploitation. 

2. She has a deep desperation to fill the male void and thus she may leap before she looks. The phenomenon of seeking out the weakest of the pack is akin to what lions do when stalking their pray. 

1. She hasn’t had anyone to school her on all of the games that young boys run on young girls AND doesn’t have a baritone voice holding a high caliber weapon to deter unseemly behavior on the part of young foolish boys. 

Women instinctively measure men up according to their relationship with their fathers. If their father was absent, physically or emotionally, that left me with very little, if not zero, to measure up to. Whew….that was great for me because my aims and intentions didn’t measure up to much….perfect fit- or so I thought. 

When I was finally ready to be serious it wasn’t because by some grand wave of the magnanimous wand that I realized that I was hurting others- I could only wish that I was that circumspect at the time. No, the reason why I was driven to make a profound change in the way that I saw women and my relationship to women was based on me continually feeling unfulfilled in the choices I was making. It was my own pain that really drove me to change- not the pain that I had been inflicting on others. Like I said…single men are selfish but not unredeemable.

But back to the major point: the relationships that you have in your life are mere reflections of what you really believe, think and act towards yourself. Nothing more-nothing less. . The most effective way to attract that person into your life that you say you really want is to become that person. 

Some of you are asking for a mate who is kind and understanding but you yourself have a temper of rattlesnake in heat. Some of you are bemoaning not having someone who loves you for the way you are- yet you spend 15 minutes every morning in the mirror and the better part of you day making mental comments about how fat, short, pale, dark, stupid or saggy you are. As one of the great men of our times once stated “be the change you wish to see in the world”. 

Finally, Single man- there is a plethora of fantastic women out there. The world is full of them- trust me they are out there. The question is are you going to re-align yourself and do the WORK necessary to make YOU ready and receptive for a meaningful relationship? Or are you saying there’s a lack of good women to cover up for your lack of commitment to changing what hasn't and will never work for you? Just keep it real. 

Man Up!- At least that’s what I think in 1239 words or less. 
Next Blog: Women and their fatal mistakes in finding MAN 

Man Up? S.O.S

I'm sitting here staring at a very official letter....it is notifying me that my "Playa-Playa' card has been permanently and irrevocably revoked! Sigh...Well...there goes my yearly invitation to the Players Ball....Damn, I have to take back that hot fuscia 3-piece suit with the matching gators......not sure what i'm going to do with that free time.

On a more serious note- i received several {and i do mean several} emails from men who thought i had sold out the single man and who felt like my last post was a uni-directional tirade against as one tongue'n'cheek reader put it "single man (curse his soul and meager existence on this world!".

So I feel like a brief clarification is in order because heaven knows that there is no group that i would hate to alienate more than the single man...and soon you'll hear why.

One of the comments/questions I received reads: "Upon further reflection and deeper contemplation I am left with but 1 (one) question; where does this leave the single woman??.....enlighten me on your views of his counterpart?" Fair enough.

The simple but stark difference between single man and single Woman is that the former is an underground society and the latter is a condition based on the former. When I make mention of ‘single man’ I'm not speaking about an individual or a personal choice- I'm talking about an institution- that's right, lets call it the Secret Order of Singlemen or S.O.S for short {and yes it is a distress call}.

Some of you {and you know who you are} don’t act surprised that I am outing this secret organization and I know that I do so under threat and security of my life. The truth must be told and I will suffer all consequences for my actions- you have to live for something or die for nothing!

This secret society has infiltrated every level of society and is threatening to gain greater levels of membership even as we speak. Their messages are everywhere. From music, billboards and television to books, politics and Hollywood. Their aim? Simple. To get what they want. And what do single men want? That’s right, everything just the way they want it, when they want it, how they want, where they want it and whoever they want it with.

Proof of this secret society. C’mon- that’s too easy. Lets look at popular music for instance- how many clever ways {and not so clever} can you reduce a relationship to a one-night stand or even shorter {bathroom in the club seems to be in fashion}? How many ridiculously crass situations can be explained in 3 minutes or less for the masses to absorb?

But where is my factual, clear hard evidence of this secret order? O.k. Fine,if you insist, but you have just signed my death certificate.

Here are 5 different quotes from the Top 10 songs out right this minute on the Billboard Top 40 ….enjoy and watch for the cleverly embedded messages…it takes a professional ear with years of training to decode these secret socieity messages but give it a try and see how you do.

1. good girls gone bad, the city's filled with them,Mommy took a bus trip and now she got her bust out,everybody ride her, just like a bus route,{Jay Z}

2. {Usher} I'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papersI done took all I can take but u leave me no options girlI can't deny how much I love you, I done gave up everything I had toAs hard as it is I'm afraid I gotta sayI'm ready to sign them papers, papers, papersI done took all I can take but u leave me no options girl…..All my fellas up in here, if u had enough and u're ready to sign sayReady Ready Ready Ready(I'm ready, yes I am)All my ladies if u sick and tired, and u're, ready to sign, sayReady Ready Ready Ready(ooh)I can't keep livin this life, I'm gonna leave it for the last time I'mReady Ready Ready Ready


3. This goes out to the beautiful girlsWhich one of yall, which one of yallWhich one of yall goin' home wit trigga[Verse 1: Trey Songz]Sittin at the club oo shawtyWalkin past a nigga lookin all naughtyThen I sad baby wassupReach for that hand shake got a hugBottles of H got me wit a lil buzzUp in VIP wit all my thugs niggasU leaned over and said u want meGirl when the vallet pull the benz upOff to the crip shawty where we gon end upGirl sit back relax hold upLet me turn the radio on[Chorus: Trey Songz]Girl let me get u to the crib (let me get u to the crib)Upstairs to the bed (upstairs to the bed)Girl you gonna think (x4)Girl when I pull back them sheetsAnd you climb on top of meGirl you gonna think (x4)You gonna think I invented sex {Trey Songz}


4. That's how I'm on it hatin I don't condone it
I don't want to keep your girl I just borrow her for a moment
I’m not attach to that you can have her back
But after this she probably don't want go back to lookin like I just got marry
Black white all races I just like em nasty
She's indian ok well I f*** her like an Apache

5. And Every Time I'm With This ChickWe F*(^ Like We In A RelationshipI Want To Stay Forever, But(Chorus)I Love Them Then Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them AgainThe Tina's And The Gina'sThe Lisa's And Teresa'sThe Keyshia's And Alishia'sI Love Them Then Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them AgainThe Judy's And The Suzy'sThe Stacy's And The Tracy'sThe Ana's And The Hannah'sI Love Them Then Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them AgainAgainAgainI Love Them And Leave Them Come Back And Then Leave Them


Ahhhh, sure poetry…but I digress.

Billboards Top 10 had only 1 female song represented Latoya’s Luckette song Regret…how appropriate. Lets see what she has to say:

Regret Lyrics You must regret the day that you left me(ohh yeah)You must regret the day that you left me.1st Verse:I made you coolYou wasnt that dude.


Hmmmm, curious coincidence or ? I think the point has been made.


Nothing like a good dose of relationship empowerment while riding in your car, right? And it’s also comforting to know what all of the S.O.S members of the future are listening to in their Ipods.

All married men were once single. All of us passed through our days of ME. However, unlike our solitary brethren we opted out of the secret society and plunged into a world that’s generally not as celebrated.

This is not to say that even once we leave the S.O.S that we don’t display tendencies of our former association. As you can see from the above musical examples the brainwash process is deep and thorough and often times requires dramatic, consistent and maybe even severe deprogramming methods to rid ourselves of the S.O.S training.

Ladies and gentlemen, therefore in my attempt to strike back against the empire, I offer you the top 6 signs that you may be dating a dedicated member of the SOS:

6. He listens to top 40 music…..and likes it!

5 You are over 30 ,have been dating for more than a year, and talks of marriage are scuttled by rousing coughing bouts or feigned sleeping fits.

4. All his friends are single- sure giveaway.

3. His mother tells you not to push him away with talks of serious commitment {as proof that this method works-she tells you that she never forced him to eat his vegetables either and look how he turned out}

2. He has a poster of Jack Nicholson and Wilt Chamberlin on his wall {not a basketball picture either but from the cover of his autobiography}.

1. He told you that his SOS tattoo means “Saving Our Sisters”

If you don’t hear from me by the time my next blog is due next week…assume the worst.

That’s what I think….in 1340 words or less……..

MAN UP?

I love women...as many of you may already know. I love watching them. the way they walk, talk, sleep, smell, look, taste, kiss, feel....ok...i think you get the point. I believe women to be truly God's gr8 gift to planet. If I told you that I completely understood them...well....that would be a fallacy, but having been married for well over a decade I have learned what I think are sacred lessons on women and love that I would like to share. 

I know that in today's multi-sensory world that it is in fashion to have everything in your life supersized and done in doubles if not more...{by one get 9 free….you and your two friends do me}. 

As this relates to male-female, I know right now that there are movements that exist that propagate the practice of polygamy {male has multiple partners}, polyandry {female has multiple partners}, polyamory {both people multiple partners}, polypoly {everybody has everybody else’s partners}, etc. Supesize you realtionships.

In fact, at an earlier point in my life i was a member of a religious organization that believed in and practiced polygamy {one man multiple partners} and although it seemed to work for a few -for the majority it was an absolute disaster. Being that I was too young at that time to marry even one wife, I could only fantasize of the day that I myself would be able to boast of more than one woman by my side {ahhhh, I call these my ‘young and dumb’ days}. But one of the many things that I did learn about relationships from my time with this organization is that most men believe that to be man is to always have as a goal-more than one woman. Men may never admit it or some may tattoo it on their balls but either way this is a common and shared belief by most men I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet {and I’ve spent considerable time on 3 continents}. 

My case for a new categorization of relationships again comes from my own personal experience. As I approach 40 I finally feel that I have a good grasp on who and what I am. Not only that, having been a witness along to the plethora of relationships that end up shipwrecked on the shores of broken dreams and promises has utterly convinced me that my category holds some valuable insights. See if you agree. 

I’m introducing the concept of a ‘Polyamourous Monogamist Man’ {PMM-known as a man who loves the many women that exist inside of his wife}. The PMM is a man who has discovered that within everywoman there are a plethora of goddess to behold and that it is his divine duty to find the key and unlock and free them all. 

Over the course of my marriage it is constantly being revealed to me that the woman I married 13 years ago is not the woman whom I’m now married to or the woman who I will die married to. Don’t get me wrong, I know that we all change with the passage of time and experience but that’s not what I’m making reference to. No, the experience of evolution that I’m referencing is a multiplicity of personalities that exist within my wife at any given point in time and my joyous fulfillment is directly related to my ability to delve deeper, explore and ultimately discover each and every one. 

Because men, lets have an honest chat, a great 21st century stage philosopher once so aptly put it-that after conquest after conquest you come to discover that we all ultimately end up with ‘ a regular ole’ saltine cracker’. That fantastically shaped woman at the gym- she’s at home cooking breakfast for you right now. That sexy woman at the office- she’s the one who rubbed your head and back last night when she was tired too. That temptress in the club with perfectly shaped half revealed buttocks- she’s the one who gave birth to and nurtured your children. She’s the same one. There’s only ever one. One. 

The depth of a woman’s love and her capacity to open up to loving you is beyond measure or at least any level that I have thus far reached. She will let you go deeper and deeper and she will unlock parts of you both -only if you commit to go deeper and agree to be unlocked. Herein was my quagmire. Men we are taught to fear this process. This is why when we are confronted with our divine image reflected back to us in a woman- often times we flinch. I did. Most men worth their Adams apple would ultimately have to admit to at one point in their development doing the same. Staring into an entity that you know instinctively that you cannot conquer and has no fathomable depths- we run. 

We run to the clubs. 
We run to streets.
We run to the games. 
We run to the prisons.
We run to the arms of other women.
We run. 

I distinctly remember times in my relationship when I looked into the eyes of my wife and was soothed and terrified at the same time. In most women, even after they’ve been injured there is still that ability not to flinch. They are ready and still willing to risk it…for love! It’s at these crucial moments when men decide whether they are going to dive in or run and hide- and if we are not sensitive to these moments we may not even know that we just made that decision…..and it will “just happen”. 

Now, run and hide seems like the logical choice in this day and age of alimony, palimony, acrimony, phonymony and forthemony {read: for-tho-money} but running has a bitter side that even amidst all of holloywood’s and the record industries attempts to glamorize the ‘smakkin it up, flip it down’, ‘don’t love dem hoes’, ‘can’t get a dolla out of me’ lifestyle- cannot cover up the stench of disemboweled disenfranchised man. 

What I’m about to say is going to offend many and anger more but at this point in my journey I believe it with every ounce of my being and have seen scientifically proven signs of it as I’ve witnessed men in my adult life. UNMARRIED MEN ARE THE BANE OF SOCIETY…period. Wait, before the stones of castigation are hurled against me or the cries of condemnation are made allow me to disentangle myself from that statement. 

Think about this- what purpose does a single man serve in society? I mean really. In traditional cultures around the world if you reached a certain age and did not commit to propagate and marry- the society made you live with the uncircumcised boys and were given the same rights as a 10 year old. 

Here’s my top 11 reasons why single men are not MAN:

1. Single men can’t be trusted- what do they have to lose but themselves? 
2. Single men have to really work at being single because at any point in time there is a overabundance of eligible women who are seeking permanent companionship. Single men are elusive. 
3. I cannot think of one single man who I’ve ever considered a hero….can you?
4. Even great icons such as Langston Hughes and James Baldwin who are personal heroes of mine were committed to another human being- in relationships- and they waxed lyrical on the beauty and necessity of commitment. Single men are sissies. 
5. Single men are vacuums of energies and resources- instead of looking where they can contribute…single men are looking at what to conquer and take. Single men are colonizers. 
6. Single men generally think that the world revolves around their penises- and have an orbit of condoms to prove it- hopefully. 
7. Single men don’t live with their children- nuff said. {if you are a single father you are not a single man in my definition}
8. Single men because they have no counter-balance energy are like a wheel that continues to go in the same circle, over and over and over again. Single men are redundant. 
9. A married man can never really hang out with a single man- because the single man has nothing to lose and usually behaves that way during ‘boys night out’. Single men are social misfits. 
10. Single men generally see the world in one way- “what’s in it for me?”. Single men are essentially selfish. 
11. Single men have made the choice to live in their fear…and nothing is scarier than an emotional coward. 

It is my belief {and I’m clear that it merely my belief and not the only truth} Man-hood is not primarily defined by a man’s ability to secure resources, lift heavier loads, protect his community or even lay fantastic pipe {imagine that}. In my definition manhood rest on the ability for man to re-connect and come into harmonious relations with that aspect of himself that God brought out of him- i.e. woman. 

Whether you subscribe to Christianity or not {and I don’t define myself as a “Christian”} , the story of Adam and Eve is insightful in the sense that it underscores the importance of male-female relationships. 

Eve was supposed to have come from the rib of man, which symbolically means that she came from the ‘inside’ of man. The innards. The depths. She didn’t come from any of mans extensions: like the finger, the toe, not the ear or the lip. Woman came from the RIB. The inside. The guts. The place where feelings are felt and the soul is housed. 

I believe what the authors of this passage where trying to convey through this insightful narrative is that a vital piece of man was purposely removed from him and he was thus rendered incomplete, unfinished, fragmented and forever destined to be deficient until he re-united with that essential piece of himself-Eve. 

Now, when God initially created Adam and defined him as MAN, he was in possession of all of his innards. God then proceeded to remove a vital piece from man to create a companion for whom he was then commanded to unite with in order to “be fruitful and multiply”. Re-uniting with woman is God’s very first commandment to Adam {MAN}: “be fruitful and multiply”. Without it- we as men are rendered “fruitless” and “single” both spiritually and materially {as above so below}. How then can males be MAN without going through this necessary divine process of reunification?

So to come full circle. The PMM man is one who understands that in order to live out God’s will in his life he must 1st be re-united with his sacred counterpart and 2nd understands that within everywoman there is every woman. 

After years of marriage there is the discovery that residing in my wife is every woman i could ever wish to desire.... in my wife are many many women. 

There’s the:
• ‘ stay-at-home’ woman, 
• the ‘ honey, are you ok? Come here and let me hold you for a moment’ woman, 
• there’s the the ‘not tonight or any other night if you come with that foolishness again’ woman
• the ‘I want to have your babies’ woman
• the if you only really knew just how kinky I am’ woman
• the ‘I’m scared and need your reassurance’ woman
• the ‘honey I’m so proud of you’ woman
• the ‘I’ve worked 9 ½ hours, went through nightmare traffic, put a meal together in the twilight of this morning can you please heat it up for yourself? ‘ woman
• the ‘no, you didn’t just say that to me’ woman
• the ‘I’m sorry I said that to you’ woman
• the ‘ I need to go out with my girls tonight don’t take it to heart’ woman
• the ‘ I need some Victoria Secrets to get my ass swag back’ woman
• the ‘ I’m not your mother and you should be happy about that’ woman
• the ‘ I love and honor you for being the provider, protector and maintainer’ woman
• the ‘since you don’t know class, you gets no ass’ woman
• the ‘ refuse to lay down with dogs cause I can’t stand fleas and I suggest you behave the same’ woman

THEY ARE ALL THERE AND MANY MORE. MANY MANY MORE.

In short, I refuse to give my commitment to any other woman until I have fully explored and exhausted the depths of the one that God has given to me……..and I have the instinctive feeling {in my gut…the place of feelings}….that this ocean is bottomless. 

At least that’s what I believe in 2000 words or less.