MAN UP! CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF SEX

WOW! Now that’s a title for you right?

In contemplating how exactly I wanted to explain the next step in our 8 step journey I was led to address a subject that I don’t think men speak honestly enough about even though science says that men think of it every 7 minutes. Sex! That’s right 7 minutes. Boom! I just thought of it as I was typing this sentence. 

This year, I will celebrate my 25-year of engaging in sexual activity- and when I use the term ‘celebrate,’ I am using it loosely. 

If you do the math that tells you that I began having sex at the tender age of 15. At the time I thought I was long overdue- but that was before I had a daughter who has reached the age of 12 and then I’m thinking “she’s still just a baby, and I was just 3 years older than her!”. Children have a magnificent way of putting your life into perspective. 

My first encounter was driven by peer pressure. No, I didn’t have a group of guys that were looking over my shoulder and pushing me to move out of virgin territory {pun intended}, but still the same, there was this ominous expectation that to be a real man was to have had sex. 

My Training
At the tender age of 13, I had been trained and had mastered the ancient African art of ‘ass watching’ by my best friend at the time. I particularly remember that our days were filled with nothing else but goggling and passing comments about each and every ass that passed by. Shapes, sizes, indents, curvature, hip placement, gaps, tone, movement, firmness, muscle- you name it…we watched it {ass so phat, we spotted it from the front}. 


I mean, up to this point, I had always been attracted to girls but more so as a whole concept, you know, cute, giggly, smell-good, rope-skipping members of the opposite sex. But now I had been introduced into the craft of objectifying them and this took long and careful study. I mastered it. 

In these years, I also distinctly remember developing my sexual seduction repertoire. This was my combination of words, tones, innuendos, body gestures and an assortment of other “weapons” that would go into my ‘mac daddy’ arsenal. So by the time I was 15, I felt like I was more than ready to enter the realm of manhood…..did I ever mention that I call these my young and dumb days? I have? Ok. Good. 

Yes, I was young, dumb and full of cunning and looking for the stray girl to fall away from the herd so that she could be devoured by my quest of perceived manhood. And she did. My first encounter wasn’t even with someone that I was even ‘dating’ at the time. Some poor girl as ignorant and needy as myself. Enough about me, I digress.

My Assessment
As I continue to explore and examine manhood from a more mature perspective I find myself reflecting back on my process and continue to uncover the source of the beliefs that I was and fed. I then assess the results that stemmed from my acting out of those beliefs and I marvel on how I ever made it this far. I also truly have a deep understanding and appreciation for why so many men have a difficult time inside of relationships. 

As I have said before, relationships are WORK and that’s without throwing into the fray the over-sexualized, objectified, narcissistic perception that most men feed on. Once that factor enters into the game- relationships are damn near impossible…..but I’m preaching to choir again, aren’t I?

As a youth I was spoon fed some of the most destructive ideas that you could ever put into a young boy’s head. And where did these come from? Well, for me, they came from Hollywood and music. Where else do young teenage boys turn to for societal guidance- but tv, movies and popular music?

Let me give you a brief sample of the movies and songs that were the source of education and inspiration during my teenage life:

MOVIES
Delirious by Eddy Murphy: Feel me on this one! My father and I never sat and watched tv with each other unless it was football- and even that was rare. 

However, when this concert came to HBO, I found myself in a room full of men and their teenage sons who had never been pulled together before or since, eagerly awaiting Mr.Murphy to drop his jewels into our wide-open domes. 

The excitement that surrounded the release of this comedy concert completely engulfed my community {has this been matched yet?} and we as children unabashedly soaked it up. .

In the two hours that would follow, I was introduced to the following relationship concepts:

• Forced Man on Man Homosexuality {the Mr.T rant} 
• Racial stereotypes of penis size
• Promiscuity as a natural behavior of MAN 
• How hard and fast men should “bang” a women
* How to lie to your woman and make her believe you
* Oral sex
• To fear women’s motives in relationships {the reason behind getting ignorant Umfufu from Africa}

Weeks after viewing this concert we were echoing the "funniest" cliche statements in the halls and lunchroom. I'm still not sure that most artist really know how much power the really do yield

Want to do an interesting exercise? Rent this movie but this time watch it from the perspective of a training manual for a young man’s camp- or better yet…view it as a responsible parent with a teenage daughter or son. Ha! The irony of LIFE! 

Now, without passing judgment on Eddie, he clearly being the comical genius that he is, was merely tapping into the cultural psyche of a society and laying it to bear with humor. However, as is true with any artist and his art, he seems to be living out his comedy of errors with 2 divorces {one marriage lasting all of a week}, a sexcapade with a transvestite and a basketball team of baby momma’s. Who’s laughing now?


MUSIC

Erotic City by Prince

When this song dropped it was played in more basement parties by teenage youth then any other song I can recall. 

For the record- Prince has to be one of the biggest paradoxes I have ever witnessed for our society. No artist that I can think of has entertained and at the same time totally contaminated the sexual consciousness of a generation on the level of Mr. Purple Rain {some may argue lil wayne but he doesn’t have his own movie!.....yet}. To me, Prince singlehandedly turned a generation of youth into straight ‘freaks’ of the highest calling. 

For those of you who are reading this that may be a bit older or younger let me just drop the lines of this most mesmerizing popular underground hit:

Every time I comb my hair, parts of you get in my eyes
You’re a sinner, I don’t care- I just want your creamy thighs.
If we cannot make babies, maybe we can make some time
F*** so pretty you and me Erotic City come alive
We’ll be F******** till the dawn, making love till cheery’s gone
Erotic city can’t you see..F*** so pretty you and me 
{dishonorable mention include: Whodini's- I'm a Ho} 

Ahhhh, poetry at its best. Now, again, I completely understand that Prince is merely a messenger for a society that seems completely committed to corrupting its youth. I mean, a fish is only as clean as the water in which it swims. 

The point is this: If we want better men we have to make them. A man, who is in the making, that is fed with the type of distorted ideas and concepts illustrated above is going to find it extremely difficult to attract, maintain and succeed in a harmonious relationship. It’s like wanting to bake chocolate chip cookies but your list of ingredients reads: two full cups of cow dung. Bon apetite. 

Most of what you have experienced in your failed relationships can easily be traced to extreme doses of popular culture, sexual myths and antiquated gender roles fed via parents, peers, tv, movies and music. Most of us have never really had an opportunity to have a relationship with the actual person- as we usually cannot tread through their/our-adopted garbage to get to the real person. 

Listen; there is nothing wrong with people. I believe inherently that people are good. People are great! People want to love and be loved in return- God’s creations, perfect in their imperfections. However, people fed with corrupt ideas about how and why they should relate with the opposite sex are a loaded gun of the worst sorts and most of us have delivered and tasted the hot lead of this wicked weapon. 

I see the popular education around women, sex and male roles that is rendered to Men in the following metaphor.

One of the ways that hunter’s in the arctic kill wolves is by placing a very sharp blade inside of the ice so that only the blade is protruding. Then the hunter places a small amount of blood on the blade as bait and waits for the wolf to come. The wolf smelling the blood comes quickly to the blade and begins to lick it ferociously and of course the harder he licks the blade the more he bleeds. The wolf thinks he’s having a fantastic meal as more and more of his own blood continues to flow. Ironically, the wolf never realizes perhaps until it’s too late that he has just devoured himself and he bleeds to death. 

Popular culture is the blade and we men are the wolf -dining on our own destruction and until we make the commitment to reject the popular ideas of what Manhood is- then we are doomed to be a destructive force in our homes and in our nations. 

We are in desperate need of new paradigms, because unlike the lone wolf who out of his ignorance and greed only destroys himself, we men, in our injury then go out and wreak havoc on the very entities that are the source of our healing- our Women. And when we destroy our women, we destroy our families…..and when we destroy our families we destroy our very own future. 

As I celebrate 25 years, I rejoice in my emancipating myself from these popular views. Trust me, I am very clear that a lot of people {especially men} view my writings as the musings of a guilty soul akin to that of Saint who was once the worse sinner and this may not be to far from the truth. 

However, be that as it may, I heard a wonderful quote about the truth that goes “ the Truth needs no crutches- if it limps, it’s a lie”. 

I’M READY TO RUN! 

At least that’s what I believe in 1800 words or less.

Man Up!

MAN UP! ALL THE SINGLE LADIES?!!

Huh?!!! Are you kidding me?!!!! Don't tell me that as we approach 2010 that there are still people that exist in the world that actually believe in casual sex. I mean, really? O.k. let me rephrase that- that in the year 2010 you can actually still witness ADULTS who are practicing this antiquated mode of relating as it exist in the practice of dating? 

It wasn't until I began to continue to hear this term "friends with benefits" {I was actually going to call this blog...enemy with benefits} that I saw how popularized this colloquialism is and how pervasive the reality behind the statement may actually be. If this is at all true this would represent a very unfortunate downward trend in relationships, especially for women who have the least to gain from this practice. 

Someone posted to my Facebook wall a news story link about how black women in America are finding themselves successful but single. So until “Mr.Right” shows up they see “friends with benefits” as a viable option to their dilemma. 

Now, first of all I don't buy into the hype that there is a shortage of good men for women to marry. I’m a major advocate for the Law of Attraction {my wife and I are writing a book on this} and I know that any woman that is really in harmony for a secure loving relationship will be provided with one- i subscribe to an abundant world- an “ask and you shall receive” world…not to a world of lack. 

Nonetheless, I do see a common thread between women engaging in casual sex and their complaints of not having suitable long term mates- see if you agree. 

Power POINT ONE- Refuse to Date
I once heard a quote given to a woman by her grandmother that said " men won't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free" in reference to this young woman having a "dating" relationship. I think it holds some insightful truths to how men tend to operate and how women ultimately end up out on a limb and in a lurch. 

Dating is at best a child's way to approach the world. You see, the ole folks of yesteryear {Great Grandma an nem…} had the institution called "courting" which is a different and distinct animal all together. However, during the “woman’s revolution” or somewhere around there, courting was unceremoniously replaced by dating and relationships in general and women in particular have suffered the more for it. 

The institution of courting is about commitment. Dating is about non-commitment. When you court someone it is with the intention that you will ultimately make an even higher level of commitment-and soon. 

Courting is a ritual that brings the man before the family of the woman and announces his character and intentions allowing for all intent to be viewed in the light of day. Dating happens in the dark, in the closets and is non-committal even by name {all dates must ultimately end}

Look at Wikipedia’s definition of dating: Dating is a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.

Now, check this out, ORIGINALLY two people who were already courting participated in dating but now it has been allowed to become, by women, an institution in and of itself. This is a gr8 example of how women give their power away, sometimes without even knowing they have done so. 

Wiki goes on to state “ Although dating etiquette has become more relaxed during the twentieth century, there are considerable differences between social and personal values”…… To say that dating etiquette has become more “relaxed” is a major understatement. Wiki doesn’t go on to say what these “differences” in social and personal values are but let me tell you what they boil down to- Men will only be as accountable to any given system as women demand that they be. Simple. 

Men, by nature and nurture, are not system oriented. We place a strong emphasis on our individuality and independence {often times to the expense of the whole} and will buck the system unless there are serious structures in place and straight forward consequences for violating the structures. Questions of power: Who’s responsible for “relaxing” these systems? Who suffers more from their “relaxation”? Yes, women have worked to do too!

As much as I loved my wife if she had not kept us focused on the actual marriage I could of conceivably continued to court her {we didn’t date} for quite sometime. Although I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her , the whole marriage ritual just seemed too daunting. Will Smith say’s as much about his highly touted relationship when he says"Families are like a business. The key is one person having a vision of what it needs to be and being able to pull everyone together. That's Jada for sure." 

Jada, the woman- I couldn’t of said it any better. 

So what am I saying in a nutshell? First, is that men will be men and it’s our natural inclination to blur boundaries, expand beyond and look for new frontiers. Secondly, this natural inclination on behalf of men is kept in check by the constructive, restrictive institutions that women put in place to curb and direct these inclinations for the betterment of the whole. Lastly, it’s “modern” woman’s abandonment of the courting institution at best and adoption of a male perspective at worst which is a major source of failure for relationships to blossom and thrive. 

Nowadays, you can readily find women bobbing their heads to Beyonce’s tune of Single Ladies “if you like you should of put a ring on it”. From ring tones, to web pages this anthem is popular! 

Please allow me to use this as a case example of of the schizophrenic nature of dating and it’s affects on women and relationships. Let us look at the song in detail so that you can see for yourself. 

The first & second verses say this :
Up in the club, just broke upI’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna tripCuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on meDon’t pay him any attention
cried my tears, after three good yearsYa can’t be mad at me

2nd Verse- 
I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
and we tated up in my Dereon jeans
acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you thinkI need no permission, 
did I mentionDon’t pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turnBut now you gonna learn
What it really feels to miss me 


So from all indications up to this point in the song she was dumped or decided to leave the relationship and she’s in the club where her ex-boyfriend is also and she’s telling him don’t get mad because she’s doing “her own little thing”. Ok, fine. 

However, the true nature of her feelings betray her in the 3rd verse and accurately displays the contradictions in both form and practice of dating and the emotional hypocrisy that exist in the institution. 

What Beyonce really desires is here: 
your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Is a man that makes me and takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your armsSay I’m the one you want
If you don’t, you’ll be alone And like a ghost I’ll be gone

The point is this- if you like him then you should have made him put a ring on it!

Do you get what I’m driving at? The whole song, from its marketing to the title seem to suggest that this is some sort of single women’s anthem meant to empower those who can identify with her hurt and anger. 

However, what the song actually ends up revealing is her willingness and in fact wantingness , her deep desire to keep this man and have him deliver her from singledom . As men we must stand ready and willing to deliver our women and as women you must demand to be delivered. Dating encourages neither. 


So in conclusion, let me give you my Top 5 reasons why women should refuse to date and instead reinstitute the institution of courtship:

5. If allowed, most men will wallow in the ambiguity of non-commitment. Your resignation from or ambivalence to this practice is all the space he needs to ‘act a fool’. 

4. Women are not cars to be trial tested. Either he has a very high interest in purchasing the full package in which case he needs to speak to the dealership {her family} and find out what are the purchasing terms. Anything less is simply a “joy ride” . 

3. It’s extremely difficult if not almost impossible to get a man to commit fully after you start the process of dating him with open parameters. As a thing begins…so shall it end. 

2. Deep down all men want a woman who has the self-confidence and self-assuredness to demand her price {in relationship terms}. Failure to do so only cheapens your value in his mind although he would never tell you this. You’re a priceless diamond why settle for plastic terms? 

1. Without women re-instituting the practice of courtship it leaves us as a society more open to broken homes and broken hearts. We need for you to do this and only you can do it!

In conclusion, as we approach 2010- I would suggest to all those women and men who want have happy harmonious and balanced relationships to follow this simple 3-step process:

1. Step One- Before you start being open to the idea of having a relationship- write down exactly what the terms of that relationship should be. This will serve as a platform for discussion once the person whom you may want to pursue appears on the scene. 

2. Step Two- Once the person appears let them know that you are not interested in dating and would prefer to have a relationship that is actually going somewhere. This is a good time to show the person your “terms of engagement”. 

3. Step Three- Sign it! That’s right….this will chase away the fakers immediately and save you your precious time and energy. If possible sign it with a witness, a family member preferably. If not in the same state or country…..fax your people and their people a copy. 

I look forward to hearing your stories of success in the year 2010! 

At least that’s what I believe in 1836 words or less. 

MAN UP! 

Man UP! Do Work Pt. 1

2010 is Here and it all about the work! WORK, WORK, WORK AND MO’ WORK! Relationships are that is. Marriages too. All relationships whether it is family {siblings, parents, etc.} or spousal require a high and consistent amount of relationship maintenance. Whenever anyone asks me about how have I managed to have a relatively healthy and wonderful relationship there is only one simple and honest answer- work!

To be honest, my inner eyebrow becomes raised and I’m suspicious of those who remark to me that ‘I’m lucky to have such a great relationship’ and that they can ‘only hope to find someone as wonderful as my wife’ so that they can do the same. Ha! Now is that really so?

I am of the knowing that all men have the capacity to have and hold a loving relationship if they so desire {and that’s a big IF} but most men are to put it simply ‘psychologically lazy’ in this regard. 

Often times when it comes to abandoment issues in relaitonships whether it be emotional or physical men are the ones to swiftly scamper away from the real life ‘trials & tribulations’ that any and all relationships present and instead retreat to the recesses of relationship retardation {otherwise known as bars, Playstation, X-box or her-box}. 


Of course there is no better training ground for young men {and women} than to be a part of a healthy functional unit as they are growing up and formulating their responses to various stressors. This is exactly what makes divorce and dysfunctional homes so insidious- it encourages the perpetuation of separation through immolation. How can you do better than what you yourself were shown?

No movie, no video and no song can adequately describe the amount of effort that must be put in on a daily basis in order to sustain a healthy relationship. Sure, you can get the feel good in 3 or 4 minutes- you know, the “ooo baby I could never live without you’ or the ‘ I’ve waited a lifetime for your love’ type of stuff. But the real nit-an-grit, naaaaah, not gonna get it- not in a 4 minute song or video. 

Men need the real- and lets again have an honest chat- how many of us would have actually chosen to take that red pill of matrimony if we would have been granted the ability to foresee the future matrix that is our relationships?

Right here, I must openly admit that there were times in the early going that I truly questioned WHY I took that damn pill and it wouldn’t be until years later that I finally understood the whole matrix of matrimony and settled into the role of Neo {I know, forgive the Matrix references would you?}. I now know that I am the ONE- and that the relationship is only going to be as loving, understanding, peaceful and nurturing as I am at any given point in it. Men who claim the inability to find loving relationships are in actuality confessing their own lack of self-love, for when you love yourself in abundance the universe has no choice but to respond by providing you a love helpmate {this applies to women too}. 

Paradoxically, although women are the ones openly accused of being emotional basket cases- MEN are actually the real volatile romantics. Women generally have a healthier understanding of what’s going to have to go into making the relationship work and are not caught off guard by the hiccups that occur.

Most women know that the thing that truly desire is going to have to come at a cost and they generally are ready and willing to pay for it. Men on the other hand have a very skewed conception of this process and neither have a good idea of how much it going to cost them and even a less of an idea of how they are supposed to pay the bill for it. Work and mo‘ work.

Let me give you a personal example. When I first started 
courting my wife I was completely and utterly enamored by her- so much so that I never even conceptualized what we would ever disagree about on such a level that would cause me any distress. So after the first, lets say…..5 weeks, when we had our first disagreement I was completely thrown off- I mean completely and utterly DEVASTATED! how could this be happening? She was the one! My love, my amour, what’s wrong? 

In actuality, the disagreement we were having at the time was minor, so very minor. Today, I couldn’t tell you to save my life what the dispute was even about as I have since come to understand that these type of disagreements are a continual happening in healthy relationships! {I’ve also learned that at times you just have to shut the hell up }. 

My own belief system around disagreements in relationships was being informed by my upbringing were at the age of 6 I witnessed my parents arguing and fighting. It was the first and last time that I would ever have the opportunity to see my parents in disagreement as a married couple as this fight was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back for my mother- and she subsequently left my father never to walk down the aisle again. 

So, in my mind, arguments and disagreements equaled separation and divorce. Disputes with my newly beloved were an erroneous signal to me that the end was unavoidably near. Conversely, what was truly perplexing to me was the calmness in which my beloved would engage in and handle our trifling tiffs. So much so, that I began to suspect that she was purposely irking me to watch me go into my demonstrative tantrums as she sat calmly- which angered me all the more! It took some time for me to understand a couple of things. 

First, my wife’s parents are still married and so she is accustomed to watching two people contend with each and then move beyond that contention while remaining an in tact unit. This is why unlike her chicken-little mate, she knew that the sky was not falling and was thus able to remain calm in midst our little storms. Differences of opinion are natural and healthy. 

Secondly, since she fully expected these disagreements to occur and was not fazed in the least when they did she was able to remain loving throughout. She would reach over and touch me on the shoulder after one of our early squabbles and say in a soft and gentle tone “What’s the matter Sweetheart?” and she would actually be sincere! This really made my blood boil. Not only was she calm throughout the spat, she wasn’t holding on to any resentment or anger about having it in the first place. I was thoroughly outmaneuvered! 

These early discrepancies were extremely beneficial and informative for me in particular. I slowly gained an understanding that men are emotionally conditioned to simply play checkers……while our women are trained to play professional chess!- CheckMate!!!

Part 2 -Next week.......

Man UP! Do Work pt. 2

We as men get lost in the outer extremities of what relationships are truly about and need to be guided into the ‘inner workings’ of a relationship by experienced and wise older men. That is by men who have already paid their dues and have successful happy marriages. As young men it’s imperative that we have access to male roundtables where we can be taught the intricacies of interaction. 

In the days of yore, other noble knights who had taken up the cause of creating and maintaining relationships were the ones to instruct the young Jedi’s about the ‘dark side’ i.e. the real challenges of marriage. 

Nowadays these warriors of love are difficult to find as the establishment’s programming mote has taken its toll on the institution of marriage and weakened their numbers. This of course leaves the ‘young Luke’s’ of the world {no, not the one in Miami} to wallow on the death star of divorce and emotional disengagement. 

Conversely, since this essential assistance of men is missing, most men are then guided by our lower GPS if you will, and move into relationships with very unrealistic ideas of what to expect. This is how and why we end up hopelessly lost on the back-roads of our own emotions, stranded by the situations that real relationships bring. 

Ladies, in all fairness, as I mentioned earlier, men can only do as well as they have been shown- and you must ask yourself what have men been shown. What is passing for guidance in male circles these days is laughable…..literally. 

For instance, a man who is on his 3rd marriage penned the number one New York best selling book concerning relationships! {Steve Harvey’s Act like a woman, think like a man}. 

Listen, we all due respect to Mr.Harvey who I’m sure gives some valuable insights, I, myself am not to inclined to thumb through a book for relationship advice from a man who has pulled the parachute plug twice already. I mean, are you serious? That’s like following the workout schedule of the Clumps to lose weight. Physicians heal thyself! This is what passes for “GUIDANCE” for this generation of MAN. Has anyone told Steve that as you think- so you become....so the advice to think like a man is in my opinion the worse possible of solutions. But i digress.....

As men we are in awesome need of institutions that popularize and promote the idea of the WORK involved with relationships on the same level and with the same intensity as we popularize “poppin bottles” or “ getting our groove on”. 

So as part of my contribution to the eradication of male malfeasance in relationships I offer you my male tune up tip of the week: 

Male Tune up Tip of the Week

Seek to understand her BEFORE being understood by her. 
Borrowed from Steve Covey’s this single principle shifted the course and quality of my relationship tremendouslyand let me tell you how.

We as Men like to make our points in discussions. We are obsessed with whole idea of points {making points, scoring points, getting to the point, etc} it’s are way of keeping score. However, as men we may have a tendency to run roughshod over the obvious, which is women want to FEEL heard. Women want us to empathize with their point of view whether we agree with it or not and until you have adequately demonstrated your empathy will you yourself will not have a listening audience. Understood?

Men try this during your next spat with guaranteed results {money back guaranteed!}: You and your beloved are in a disagreement over a subject, once you recognize that you two are coming from opposite sides of the issue IMMEDIATELY CEASE and DESIST from trying to make your point. 

However, remain fully engage in the conversation but merely as a listener. Listen, actively. After your mate has landed on her point- REPEAT- what you think she has said to you back to her and ask her if that is actually what she is saying to you. It will sound a bit like this “ so what you’re saying sweetheart is that I’m an insensitive idiot who behaves like he would rat her spend more time with his friends at the bar than with you and the family at the house- is that about right?”

Once she acknowledges that you have indeed been listening {this is the reason for repeating back to her what she has just said to you} which is going to raise your score {remember points?} THEN you are going to ask the most important question of the day- “how does this make you feel?”. And what you going to do now? That’s right- more active listening. Chris Rock wasn’t too far off when he joked that women don’t really want you talk-talk, they really want you to listen-listen {is he still married?}. 

Now that you’ve heard how she FEELS about the issue you are going to do what? Your absolutely correct- you are going to repeat back to her what she just told you about how she feels. I cannot overstate how important this step is. You have reached the feeling phase of the conversation, which is where the heart of the matter rests. Be Alert. 

After you repeat back to her what she has just said about her feelings you are going to become a genius by asking her this question. Did I get that right? And maybe for the first time in the conversation {or even in the year} she is going to say “ Yes, that’s what I’m saying” or even better “yes, that’s right”. You may not know it or feel it at this point but you have really won major points and have just done the most important thing to do in relationships- establish repoire. 

At this point you are going to realize one of two possibilities:
1- Youactually agree on the issue but have different feelings about the point of discussion which is perfectly acceptable, healthy and normal. 

2- you do actually disagree on the issue BUT now you have understood and EMPAHTHIZED with her feelings which makes you a friend in her eyes and she is now open to hearing your opinion on the matter. 

Ok. So in summary here are the steps to your next conversation:

Step One- recognize that you are in disagreement {this is the easy part}

Step Two- Stop seeking to make your point 

Step Three- Listen, actively {please don’t make me explain this principle}

Step Four- Seek to understand what she is REALLY saying {hint: look for the feeling code words}

STEP FIVE- REPEAT WHAT YOU’VE HEARD AND ASK IF IT’S CORRECT

Step Six- Begin your turn of speaking by explaining your understanding of what she has just said….i.e “ I understand what you are saying about xyz and I can see how you feel, think, opinion that particular perspective……The way I see it is…..”. 

This six-step process will dramatically improve not only the quality of your conversation but also the overall quality of your relationships. 

Ladies, it may not be a bad idea to print this process out and leave it somewhere where your intended target is likely to read it- get it in where you can. 

Ok, my wife is calling me……It’s time for me to go to WORK. 

This is simply what I believe in 2373 words or less… MAN UP!