Man UP! Do Work pt. 2

We as men get lost in the outer extremities of what relationships are truly about and need to be guided into the ‘inner workings’ of a relationship by experienced and wise older men. That is by men who have already paid their dues and have successful happy marriages. As young men it’s imperative that we have access to male roundtables where we can be taught the intricacies of interaction. 

In the days of yore, other noble knights who had taken up the cause of creating and maintaining relationships were the ones to instruct the young Jedi’s about the ‘dark side’ i.e. the real challenges of marriage. 

Nowadays these warriors of love are difficult to find as the establishment’s programming mote has taken its toll on the institution of marriage and weakened their numbers. This of course leaves the ‘young Luke’s’ of the world {no, not the one in Miami} to wallow on the death star of divorce and emotional disengagement. 

Conversely, since this essential assistance of men is missing, most men are then guided by our lower GPS if you will, and move into relationships with very unrealistic ideas of what to expect. This is how and why we end up hopelessly lost on the back-roads of our own emotions, stranded by the situations that real relationships bring. 

Ladies, in all fairness, as I mentioned earlier, men can only do as well as they have been shown- and you must ask yourself what have men been shown. What is passing for guidance in male circles these days is laughable…..literally. 

For instance, a man who is on his 3rd marriage penned the number one New York best selling book concerning relationships! {Steve Harvey’s Act like a woman, think like a man}. 

Listen, we all due respect to Mr.Harvey who I’m sure gives some valuable insights, I, myself am not to inclined to thumb through a book for relationship advice from a man who has pulled the parachute plug twice already. I mean, are you serious? That’s like following the workout schedule of the Clumps to lose weight. Physicians heal thyself! This is what passes for “GUIDANCE” for this generation of MAN. Has anyone told Steve that as you think- so you become....so the advice to think like a man is in my opinion the worse possible of solutions. But i digress.....

As men we are in awesome need of institutions that popularize and promote the idea of the WORK involved with relationships on the same level and with the same intensity as we popularize “poppin bottles” or “ getting our groove on”. 

So as part of my contribution to the eradication of male malfeasance in relationships I offer you my male tune up tip of the week: 

Male Tune up Tip of the Week

Seek to understand her BEFORE being understood by her. 
Borrowed from Steve Covey’s this single principle shifted the course and quality of my relationship tremendouslyand let me tell you how.

We as Men like to make our points in discussions. We are obsessed with whole idea of points {making points, scoring points, getting to the point, etc} it’s are way of keeping score. However, as men we may have a tendency to run roughshod over the obvious, which is women want to FEEL heard. Women want us to empathize with their point of view whether we agree with it or not and until you have adequately demonstrated your empathy will you yourself will not have a listening audience. Understood?

Men try this during your next spat with guaranteed results {money back guaranteed!}: You and your beloved are in a disagreement over a subject, once you recognize that you two are coming from opposite sides of the issue IMMEDIATELY CEASE and DESIST from trying to make your point. 

However, remain fully engage in the conversation but merely as a listener. Listen, actively. After your mate has landed on her point- REPEAT- what you think she has said to you back to her and ask her if that is actually what she is saying to you. It will sound a bit like this “ so what you’re saying sweetheart is that I’m an insensitive idiot who behaves like he would rat her spend more time with his friends at the bar than with you and the family at the house- is that about right?”

Once she acknowledges that you have indeed been listening {this is the reason for repeating back to her what she has just said to you} which is going to raise your score {remember points?} THEN you are going to ask the most important question of the day- “how does this make you feel?”. And what you going to do now? That’s right- more active listening. Chris Rock wasn’t too far off when he joked that women don’t really want you talk-talk, they really want you to listen-listen {is he still married?}. 

Now that you’ve heard how she FEELS about the issue you are going to do what? Your absolutely correct- you are going to repeat back to her what she just told you about how she feels. I cannot overstate how important this step is. You have reached the feeling phase of the conversation, which is where the heart of the matter rests. Be Alert. 

After you repeat back to her what she has just said about her feelings you are going to become a genius by asking her this question. Did I get that right? And maybe for the first time in the conversation {or even in the year} she is going to say “ Yes, that’s what I’m saying” or even better “yes, that’s right”. You may not know it or feel it at this point but you have really won major points and have just done the most important thing to do in relationships- establish repoire. 

At this point you are going to realize one of two possibilities:
1- Youactually agree on the issue but have different feelings about the point of discussion which is perfectly acceptable, healthy and normal. 

2- you do actually disagree on the issue BUT now you have understood and EMPAHTHIZED with her feelings which makes you a friend in her eyes and she is now open to hearing your opinion on the matter. 

Ok. So in summary here are the steps to your next conversation:

Step One- recognize that you are in disagreement {this is the easy part}

Step Two- Stop seeking to make your point 

Step Three- Listen, actively {please don’t make me explain this principle}

Step Four- Seek to understand what she is REALLY saying {hint: look for the feeling code words}

STEP FIVE- REPEAT WHAT YOU’VE HEARD AND ASK IF IT’S CORRECT

Step Six- Begin your turn of speaking by explaining your understanding of what she has just said….i.e “ I understand what you are saying about xyz and I can see how you feel, think, opinion that particular perspective……The way I see it is…..”. 

This six-step process will dramatically improve not only the quality of your conversation but also the overall quality of your relationships. 

Ladies, it may not be a bad idea to print this process out and leave it somewhere where your intended target is likely to read it- get it in where you can. 

Ok, my wife is calling me……It’s time for me to go to WORK. 

This is simply what I believe in 2373 words or less… MAN UP!