2010 is Here and it all about the work! WORK, WORK, WORK AND MO’ WORK! Relationships are that is. Marriages too. All relationships whether it is family {siblings, parents, etc.} or spousal require a high and consistent amount of relationship maintenance. Whenever anyone asks me about how have I managed to have a relatively healthy and wonderful relationship there is only one simple and honest answer- work!
To be honest, my inner eyebrow becomes raised and I’m suspicious of those who remark to me that ‘I’m lucky to have such a great relationship’ and that they can ‘only hope to find someone as wonderful as my wife’ so that they can do the same. Ha! Now is that really so?
I am of the knowing that all men have the capacity to have and hold a loving relationship if they so desire {and that’s a big IF} but most men are to put it simply ‘psychologically lazy’ in this regard.
Often times when it comes to abandoment issues in relaitonships whether it be emotional or physical men are the ones to swiftly scamper away from the real life ‘trials & tribulations’ that any and all relationships present and instead retreat to the recesses of relationship retardation {otherwise known as bars, Playstation, X-box or her-box}.
Of course there is no better training ground for young men {and women} than to be a part of a healthy functional unit as they are growing up and formulating their responses to various stressors. This is exactly what makes divorce and dysfunctional homes so insidious- it encourages the perpetuation of separation through immolation. How can you do better than what you yourself were shown?
No movie, no video and no song can adequately describe the amount of effort that must be put in on a daily basis in order to sustain a healthy relationship. Sure, you can get the feel good in 3 or 4 minutes- you know, the “ooo baby I could never live without you’ or the ‘ I’ve waited a lifetime for your love’ type of stuff. But the real nit-an-grit, naaaaah, not gonna get it- not in a 4 minute song or video.
Men need the real- and lets again have an honest chat- how many of us would have actually chosen to take that red pill of matrimony if we would have been granted the ability to foresee the future matrix that is our relationships?
Right here, I must openly admit that there were times in the early going that I truly questioned WHY I took that damn pill and it wouldn’t be until years later that I finally understood the whole matrix of matrimony and settled into the role of Neo {I know, forgive the Matrix references would you?}. I now know that I am the ONE- and that the relationship is only going to be as loving, understanding, peaceful and nurturing as I am at any given point in it. Men who claim the inability to find loving relationships are in actuality confessing their own lack of self-love, for when you love yourself in abundance the universe has no choice but to respond by providing you a love helpmate {this applies to women too}.
Paradoxically, although women are the ones openly accused of being emotional basket cases- MEN are actually the real volatile romantics. Women generally have a healthier understanding of what’s going to have to go into making the relationship work and are not caught off guard by the hiccups that occur.
Most women know that the thing that truly desire is going to have to come at a cost and they generally are ready and willing to pay for it. Men on the other hand have a very skewed conception of this process and neither have a good idea of how much it going to cost them and even a less of an idea of how they are supposed to pay the bill for it. Work and mo‘ work.
Let me give you a personal example. When I first started
courting my wife I was completely and utterly enamored by her- so much so that I never even conceptualized what we would ever disagree about on such a level that would cause me any distress. So after the first, lets say…..5 weeks, when we had our first disagreement I was completely thrown off- I mean completely and utterly DEVASTATED! how could this be happening? She was the one! My love, my amour, what’s wrong?
In actuality, the disagreement we were having at the time was minor, so very minor. Today, I couldn’t tell you to save my life what the dispute was even about as I have since come to understand that these type of disagreements are a continual happening in healthy relationships! {I’ve also learned that at times you just have to shut the hell up }.
My own belief system around disagreements in relationships was being informed by my upbringing were at the age of 6 I witnessed my parents arguing and fighting. It was the first and last time that I would ever have the opportunity to see my parents in disagreement as a married couple as this fight was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back for my mother- and she subsequently left my father never to walk down the aisle again.
So, in my mind, arguments and disagreements equaled separation and divorce. Disputes with my newly beloved were an erroneous signal to me that the end was unavoidably near. Conversely, what was truly perplexing to me was the calmness in which my beloved would engage in and handle our trifling tiffs. So much so, that I began to suspect that she was purposely irking me to watch me go into my demonstrative tantrums as she sat calmly- which angered me all the more! It took some time for me to understand a couple of things.
First, my wife’s parents are still married and so she is accustomed to watching two people contend with each and then move beyond that contention while remaining an in tact unit. This is why unlike her chicken-little mate, she knew that the sky was not falling and was thus able to remain calm in midst our little storms. Differences of opinion are natural and healthy.
Secondly, since she fully expected these disagreements to occur and was not fazed in the least when they did she was able to remain loving throughout. She would reach over and touch me on the shoulder after one of our early squabbles and say in a soft and gentle tone “What’s the matter Sweetheart?” and she would actually be sincere! This really made my blood boil. Not only was she calm throughout the spat, she wasn’t holding on to any resentment or anger about having it in the first place. I was thoroughly outmaneuvered!
These early discrepancies were extremely beneficial and informative for me in particular. I slowly gained an understanding that men are emotionally conditioned to simply play checkers……while our women are trained to play professional chess!- CheckMate!!!
Part 2 -Next week.......
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